"PREGOMNIA" (preggo-insomnia)

Insomnia.

Have you ever wondered what insomnia was like? Yeah, me neither, but it was FORCED on me, so I’m going to FORCE it on you too. But in a totally non-creepy way that doesn't involve me physically altering your sleep patterns. Actually, the best I can really hope for here, is some level of emotional scarring that is both sleep depriving, and inadmissible in a court of law.

In my professional experience as a “mostly dad” person, there are a few different types of un-sleep-osis.

1. the “holy crap! for some reason, I’m not only as alert as a hawk, but I’m thinking about EVERYTHING that has ever been thought of EVER.” type of insomnia. I also like to call this type of insomnia “NESTING”. It's your brain on a special overdrive... “PREGGODRIVE”
1. kim is amazing. In fact, I’ll take it one step further: she is basically a better person than me in every way that i can think of.  But, good God... Which hormone is responsible for this “nesting” thing? An impulse so powerful you develop an unstoppable hunger which forces your husband to paint the INSIDE of the closet.  THE INSIDE, people!!! IT'S A CLOSET!!! that’s where you throw things you DON'T want to see!!! WHY AM I PAINTING IT THEN?
2. In the distant future, the really smart scientists with the samsung brand clipboards are going to tell us the nesting hormone is cousin to the “I need 50 minutes to find the right outfit” hormone and CLOSELY related to the “I’m laughing and crying at the same time” hormone

2. the “oh my God, the baby is trying to birth herself through the side of my stomach” type of insomnia. I only have 2 logical explanations of why our baby would choose this escape route.... at the burglar’s hour.
1. She has decided to grow up to be a kickboxer.  (don't worry... I’ll still show all the boys the guns, she’ll just be the one who kills them)
2. she probably heard her mom and me talking about Chris Farley’s ChippenDales skit... and she is really into that type of physical comedy
1. 
2. He’s got nothing on the baby...

3. the “i cant sleep,,, because i have to pee ALL THE TIME” type of insomnia
1. while this seems like a straightforward type of insomnia, I must warn you... pee really does happen all the time.. ALL THE TIME. Additionally, it’s best to think of this type of insomnia kinda like the “gateway drug” to all the other types of insomnia.
1. need to empty your thimble sized bladder at 2AM? good, because that reminded your baby to target your weak spot, similar to a velociraptor (in this case it’s your belly button).   good luck trying to spend the rest of the night trying to hold back a little fist from shooting out of your stomach!!!
2. side note.  all babies come out really cute... probably because they are burning off all their extra evil while in the womb

4. and there is another one, but usually it happens in between 2-430, and I honestly don't remember pretty much ANY of it. I think it has something to do with pretzels... or manhattan... I don't know.

so: yeah... insomnia. from the dad’s perspective. consider these beans spilled.