"PREGOMNIA" (preggo-insomnia)

Insomnia.

Have you ever wondered what insomnia was like? Yeah, me neither, but it was FORCED on me, so I’m going to FORCE it on you too. But in a totally non-creepy way that doesn't involve me physically altering your sleep patterns. Actually, the best I can really hope for here, is some level of emotional scarring that is both sleep depriving, and inadmissible in a court of law.

In my professional experience as a “mostly dad” person, there are a few different types of un-sleep-osis.

1. the “holy crap! for some reason, I’m not only as alert as a hawk, but I’m thinking about EVERYTHING that has ever been thought of EVER.” type of insomnia. I also like to call this type of insomnia “NESTING”. It's your brain on a special overdrive... “PREGGODRIVE”
1. kim is amazing. In fact, I’ll take it one step further: she is basically a better person than me in every way that i can think of.  But, good God... Which hormone is responsible for this “nesting” thing? An impulse so powerful you develop an unstoppable hunger which forces your husband to paint the INSIDE of the closet.  THE INSIDE, people!!! IT'S A CLOSET!!! that’s where you throw things you DON'T want to see!!! WHY AM I PAINTING IT THEN?
2. In the distant future, the really smart scientists with the samsung brand clipboards are going to tell us the nesting hormone is cousin to the “I need 50 minutes to find the right outfit” hormone and CLOSELY related to the “I’m laughing and crying at the same time” hormone

2. the “oh my God, the baby is trying to birth herself through the side of my stomach” type of insomnia. I only have 2 logical explanations of why our baby would choose this escape route.... at the burglar’s hour.
1. She has decided to grow up to be a kickboxer.  (don't worry... I’ll still show all the boys the guns, she’ll just be the one who kills them)
2. she probably heard her mom and me talking about Chris Farley’s ChippenDales skit... and she is really into that type of physical comedy
1. 
2. He’s got nothing on the baby...

3. the “i cant sleep,,, because i have to pee ALL THE TIME” type of insomnia
1. while this seems like a straightforward type of insomnia, I must warn you... pee really does happen all the time.. ALL THE TIME. Additionally, it’s best to think of this type of insomnia kinda like the “gateway drug” to all the other types of insomnia.
1. need to empty your thimble sized bladder at 2AM? good, because that reminded your baby to target your weak spot, similar to a velociraptor (in this case it’s your belly button).   good luck trying to spend the rest of the night trying to hold back a little fist from shooting out of your stomach!!!
2. side note.  all babies come out really cute... probably because they are burning off all their extra evil while in the womb

4. and there is another one, but usually it happens in between 2-430, and I honestly don't remember pretty much ANY of it. I think it has something to do with pretzels... or manhattan... I don't know.

so: yeah... insomnia. from the dad’s perspective. consider these beans spilled.

It's Daddy Time!!! (don't take that the wrong way... I'm taken)

I love to write. Like really: I have a passion (if there was a “clueless” font, it would have been written in ITALICS right there... or maybe bold... and luckily, you don't have to BE a good writer to LOVE it).  But upon prompt and aggressive soul searching: I have to believe that this passion comes from my overwhelming love of this new gadget/keyboard attachment for my current favorite mobile device/toy.  And while I’m at it, I guess I could try to chronicle this whole “being a dad” thing that i’m going through.  Also, someone should try “aggressive soul searching” sometime.  Also, take video.

technically I’m a dad... I’ve been a pretty amazing one for a little over 2 trimesters, if I do say so myself.  My wife would agree with me, but she’s a little “preoccupied” with the whole “carrying a child in her tummy” and trying to force feed me alcohol so she can live vicariously through me.

you see this guy? he looks totally ready to be a dad. (post force feeding picture)

But practically, I’m just a dude... literally watching a production WAY more entertaining than a soap opera, MUCH more frightening than a horror movie and at times, so, SO much more swearing than gangsta’ rap with tourrets.

I have had front row seating to really, awesomely weird people, (I’m talking about the “tinfoil hat”, or the “you probably ride unicycles” kind of weird) that apparently hide in closets until someone becomes pregnant. There have been aliens.  There have been aliens that try to punch you in the face when you when you are politely/lovingly saying ‘hi little alien’ to them. I’ve been to that one class that made me really wonder if having sex was a good idea. I have read the horrifying books.  I have PLAYED the “pregnant card”, FOR my wife so much, I almost feel like I should be pregnant. HA! I’m actually lying. I don't EVER want to be pregnant. It looks too hard, and i’m lazy, and i have too many holes I love enough to keep intact.

And now, low and behold: I have a keyboard. Which means this little sitcom i’m living in right now (and I’m apparently also the laugh track) NEEDS to be crystallized, before it is all forgotten, due to sleep deprivation and a slow war of attrition between grown, college educated adults and a screaming infant.  I’ve seen what insomnia can do to a person’s brain... it makes you boss your husband around, and make him go to the store at 3:00 am and buy some damn PICKLES that AREN'T EVEN THERE. Side note people: Insomnia is tragic and can happen to anyone, but especially if you are a cute blondie named Kim. But i hear it also makes you forgetful... and THAT’S where I draw the line.

anyways... no need to spill all the beans here... there will be PLENTY of time for bean spilling. It's just that this whole pregnancy/parent/kid experience is WAY too entertaining to just let it fly by.