as a quasi professional music snob, i understand the shocking amount of skill and taste i have, even though i can play an instrument about as well as i can play golf, or basketball, or call of duty, or football or any “real” sport. ok, so maybe the lack of “popular kid” skills has made me the musical monster that i am today, but oh boy, can i snob the crap out of a record store. so snobbish, in fact, let me tell you how to be a CORRECT musical snob.
1) listen to music that no one has heard of.
This is the basis for all snob-ish-ness. If the person you are being a musical jerk to begins to question your musical taste at all, this is where you and your plethora of bands that probably recorded themselves in their garage will shine.
- "they only believe in recording once every four years”
- “they draw their influences heavily from (and then just list off a german word or two... like volkswagen, maybe)”
- "they are big in the underground scene" or
- "wouldnt taint their art to go mainstream".
those last two are very important to bring up when someone questions your music prowess, because it not only tells them that you know so much more than they do, but that they are idiots/captialist pigs for not knowing this information.
2) memorize a couple musical nerd sounding words, and insert them into phrases.
example: “i really appreciate the headbangers tonality of the truncated disharmony in the key of E minor”
if you dazzle the poor fool you are talking to with gibberish, they wont be able to process the illogical paradoxes that are sinking your metaphorical music-ship.
3) feel free to insinuate personal deficiencies with someone who doesnt agree with you.
this is especially useful to bring into play when you start talking to someone who ACTUALLY knows something about music. for example, a music major might respond to that last statement saying “but you cant have disharmony in the key of E... it would just sound like someone pounding on the piano... or worse: techno”
What you have to understand, is that at this point, you are on dangerous ground with any pretty girls that you were hoping to share a vanilla shake with. Everyone around instantly realizes the poop that is coming out of your mouth... like Paul Walker, trying to act in whatever movie he tried to act in.
It’s best if you immediately attack the personal character of this clearly more-knowledgable person. ask them if they ALWAYS feel obligated to do EVERYTHING that the MAN tells them to do. Make subtle suggestions that this is the EXACT kind of thing that the RECORD COMPANIES say, and hint that somewhere, a poor helpless child started listening to the “Black Eyed Peas” because of what they just said... they should be ashamed of themselves. For added effect, make sure to say “RECORD COMPANIES” with the same face that you would make when you ate a lemon that isnt ripe or some of my fiancee’s plain greek yogurt .
4) Generally, just hate every type of music that everyone else likes
oh, this one is KEY. if you constantly find zero middle ground with anyone who talks to you, one of two things will happen,
a) you will be put on a pedestal, similar to a rock god, or a rolling stones editor. your condescension will be like praise to those of “lesser musical stature” and the slightest bit of praise will be like spring to the long winter of the recipient’s soul... probably.
b) you may end up losing a person to talk to. but is this really bad? did you WANT to talk to someone whose influences actually consisted of “The MONKEYS”?!?!?!?!?! it’s best to just let some people go their own way, even if they are headed towards certain disaster. they'll probably be drooling over the next Creed album or something. yes: staying away from this dysfunctional person is probably best
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| If possible, make THIS face when listening to someones favorite band |
Make sure to clarify that you hate EVERYTHING someone else listens to, 5% because you question their hygiene, and 2546% because your expectations are just set ridiculously/impossibly high. to bend on these MORAL/CORE beliefs of yours would be like peeing in your bubble bath... it’s something you JUST DON'T DO (but it’d be ok to insinuate that they indeed might). This means you get to say things like “there has never been a truly ‘pure’ album recorded since Bob Dylan” (oh, and always speak of Bob Dylan like you would speak of Zeus, father of the greek gods).
Hating everything also serves to distance yourself from everyone else, so they wouldn't be able to see that buried beneath your impressive collection of vinyl, there is a good chance that you have some Brittany Spears in there somewhere.
5) always gravitate towards an extreme
being a snob is not for the feint of heart. you need to either go towards one extreme or the other. there is no middle ground. middle ground is for softies, like John Denver.
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| God help you if you own something with this image on it. |
you either like music, or you hate it. someone either has impeccable music taste, or they are a musical fool. musical bipolar-ism is cool, it’s trendy, and it’s one of the best way to let someone know how crappy their music is. And how much more yours ROCKS. But just make sure that “nickelback” is ALWAYS on the “hate” list.
6) Sleeve tattoos.
nothing says “i was willing to put it all on the line for my musical passion” “or at least... i was more willing than YOU...” more than sleeve tattoos. I mean: how does a person honestly compete with you when you have literally put your body on the line for your passions. you don't HAVE to tell them that you actually got them when you were drunk, and they were inspired by “puff the magic dragon”. all they have to know is that they are both still chained to the man, and listen to crappy music.
THERE.... just a couple steps to being a musical snob. Next blog, I MIGHT go through how to be an ELITIST... depending if i think you are good enough.
