F my I (for my information)

let me ask you a simple question (or 4)

1.     have you ever felt the need to tell a person something, and at the same time insult/borderline emotionally accost someone?   

2.     have you ever wanted to step into a room and felt the need to demonstrate your "han solo-esque-ness" by giving off the air of being slightly cocky, with subtle earthy undertones of arrogance, combined with a lovely bouquet of charm?

3.     have you ever felt the need to describe what just happened to you after you watched a paul walker movie?

4.     have you ever felt that you have an over-abundance of that silly "job security"?

if any of these apply to you, the there is an 87.5% chance that using the phrase "F your I" (for your information) could have an explosive(ly funny) effect on your situation.  (readers note: Smilliam is not liable for any lawsuits of any kind which might come from the use of this phrase.  He only demands that you pay him a dollar each time you use it)

Personally, I fall into category 3 and 4. (as I’m sure we ALL do...)

For some reason, the filter that lets you speak like a normal/not-insane person gets turned off at work.  What seems to replace this filter, is the "let's say absolutely psychotic things that could get me fired" generator. 

This is what a proper functioning
human brain will tell you to do when
prompted to sarcastically answer
questions

Demonstrating the physics of "foot in mouth"
This his is what my ABNORMAL nerd
 brain does to me... pretty much on a
daily basis

Exhibit A): jokingly (in that kinda serious way) telling a person that you'd be happy to "show them the ropes" around work.  Oh yeah, this "person" is the same person who signs the checks of the guy who signs the checks of the guy who signs MY checks. Side-note: I was fully aware of who this person was.  Additional idiot-note: I had only been working at the company for a couple of months.  I will admit that perhaps wise king Solomon would have chosen a different action, but he also had over a thousand wives... so... ummm... I don’t feel bad about not doing EVERYTHING a suicidal guy does.

Exhibit B): I was writing an incredibly nerdy/awesome/informative email to pretty much everyone who has the power to fire me. After typing up the email, I realized that my heading of "FYI" wasn't actually correct... because it really was not only for ONE person's information, it was for EVERYONE's information.  but i really didn't think that anyone would get FEI... I mean: common... that just sounds like something that the evil Jar-Jar Binks would say.  So the next best thing to star the email with was obviously "F everyone's I" 

A normal/Smart person would simply think "tee-hee that's funny" and immediately delete this HR-nightmare phrase.  The unfortunate truth is that my unfiltered nerd brain let my mouse cursor rest over the "send" button before I paused, because my brain started working (only a little bit) enough to tell me that something seemed strange. As you may have already guessed, I wussed out and just started off the E-Mail with "Hi".  sigh... I feel like the guy who gets into the plane, sees the door open and THEN decides he doesnt want to skydive. 

F everyone's I: I still have a job... for now.  

F my I: due to quickly depleting friend supply, I may need to re-think this phrase's regularity in my conversations.

Fashion through a nerd's perspective. PART 1

Eff you, Fashion.  Am i the only one who thinks you have lost ALL your marbles? more importantly: you have somehow managed to convince everyone that you are cool.  everyone but ME. 

Obviously everyone is going to gang up on the nerd and they'll all tell him "just leave these complicated fashion things to us 'big' people",  and then they TOTALLY wont help him get past the 5-2 level in Mario EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THEY CAN DO IT WITHOUT DYING... ummm... is probably what the nerd would yell in his pj's from the couch at those fashion jerks. anyways... that totally wasn't a personal story... 

Look at all the Goddamn ways to die in this effin' level
turtles which can somehow KILL YOU!!!
plants that will EAT YOU!!!
ENDLESS GODDAMN PITS!!!
and JERKS that wont help you get through it when you
only have ONE LIFE LEFT!!!! this is how lifelong feuds start

Right... back to it.... for now.

i have discovered that what keeps me sane isn’t denial (this time), but rather the juxtoposition of really really insane fashion-isms with really really REALLY bodatious ones.  There is a great example! the only thing that keeps me from going insane, knowing that the word "fibbertigibbet" is actually a word, is the fact that the word "bodatious" exists to ad balance to the world of words.

so lets begin...

Makeup: crazy medieval people used to paint their faces before they went out to war.  Don’t try to tell me otherwise.  I’ve seen braveheart.  Mel Gibson painted his face and opened up a KEG of whoop-ass on the English.  So, what am i to expect when a girl does the same thing to go on a date?  You had better hope you open every damned door for her, before she eff’s your ish up.  The only difference is that Mel didn’t take 4 hours to put his on.  Nor did he use one of those silly/sissy mirrors.  Gibson just slapped some of that makeup on his dome-piece and was ready to kill people.  Actually, now that i think about it, girls don’t need the war paint to be ready to kill someone... they seem to always be ready to uncork some "I’m gonna kill Smilliam". (Note to nerds: just never assume ANYONE is pregnant) so remind me: what is the makeup for again?

\

The anti-makeup: cars with wheels that are WAY too big on them!!!  Yes yes yes. bodatious bodatious bodatious.  When Henry David Thoreau said "simplify simplify simplify" how could he have known that something as amazing as monster trucks were going to exist in the future?!?!?! I won’t hold it against him... MUCH.  Plus... this will help me get away/ steamroll over all the crazy people with the warpaint

Moon Boots:  The mentality here was probably "astronauts are cool and you'd be cool too, if you wore their boots". I believed that... when i was 4.  That’s when i realized things like: just because i have a cape on, doesn’t mean I’ll be able to fly off the top of my house. Why insult the moon by naming worthless boots after them? They don’t stay on very well, because they are only warm if they don’t get wet... or worn. Their only REAL use is to fall off after you feel like walking any faster than a mozy, and from recent experiences; mozying is typically frowned upon. Especially at fancy-like clubs.

The anti-moon-boot: Argyle socks!!! God, these things are so awesome! It’s not often that someone gets to say: "i have more class in my FOOT than you do in your whole body"... that is: until you start wearing those sexy sonsabitches on your feet.  With this piece of scotch sexiness on your body: you'd outclass James Bond (on days that he wasn’t wearing his argyle underwear... and THAT's how he got so many ladies... F your I).

Small pockets on the sleeve of a jacket/shirt: probably the most useless thing sown onto a jacket since the sequin.  If i ever need a special place to put a quarter... I’d think about putting it in a quarter sized pocket on my arm.  If the quarter didn’t fit, i could probably fit my self-esteem in there instead... because that's how big it would be if i was actually wearing one of those pockets. The real problem in this scenario is that a quarter hasn’t been able to buy you anything but a gumball since 1940. It isn’t even enough for you to call a tailor to tell him to rip of that stupid pocket for you.

The anti-small-pockets-on-your-sleeve: the bandana over your FACE.  Being a felon has never looked so cool.  Hell: with one of these, i could go around with wild abandon tearing everyone's small pockets off!!!

They even had to put a $100 bill to try to
convince you that these pockets are cool.
The joke is on them though: this FORTUNE
never made it out of that pocket alive

Small pockets in pants:  What can you fit in there? A lighter? I’ll tell you what you CAN’T fit in there... anything that you want to get out of that pocket in less than 5 minutes.  If you have ever TRIED to put something in there, you'd know what I’m talking about.  I once put a movie stub in there, and was forced to put on a circus show for the jerk in the theater that won’t let you get in without proof that i paid.  4 somersaults, 2 stop-drop-and-rolls, and 2 timeouts to catch my breath, later i was able to successfully hand him the 400 pieces that once made up the movie stub.  He made me buy another.  Since then: I’ve understood that that pocket is where little things go to die. 

The anti "small pockets in pants": Knives that have hidden compartments in them.  You might be thinking: "you probably believe that having something like that makes you like Rambo..." and you are right.  I would expect my muscle mass to grow about 82% to match Sylvester Stallone's. Think of how awesome I’m going to look from the 10 I just bought from the sketchy guy at the flea market

Small pockets: I just didn’t want to make any other small pockets feel left out.  They are all equally worthless. I hate them all.  You will too, once you forgot that you left your pen in them and they go through the washing machine.  

Anti-small pockets: ARGYLE ANYTHING.  Oh Yes, I mean it.  Yes, I don’t care what has argyle on it.  You could have one of those worthless/sissy SCRUNCHIES.  Slap some argyle on that sombitch, and you have got one damn sexy way to hold your hair. (This example assumes you are a girl.  If you are a guy and are doing this… I’m sorry… not even ARGYLE can save you)

Paul walker: i don’t want to talk about it.  According to IMDB "fast and the furious 6" has been announced, apparently, i need to fire my lobbyists, and just resort to bribing/blackmail.  I feel like this is starting to get personal.  

Anti-Paul Walker:....aww, man! I don’t have an anti-Paul walker!!! Eff this guy!

Music videos:  think about this statement: "i am going to go watch some music".  Are you now thinking about something a loony person would say?  The only similar statement i can think of is “i am going to go FEEL the music".  And that is what someone says when they are about to get hopped up on some Ex.  Other insane-sounding phrases include "I’m going to go listen to the print in my book", or "i want to see the feeling of someone punching me in the face" (which might be better than some of the music they made videos to).  How many ways am i supposed to soak in music? Anything other than "through the ears" starts creeping me out.

Anti-music videos: Jimi Hendrix style "smashing guitars on stage".  If this isn’t "sticking it to the musical man" i don’t know what is.  Maybe you can even do this to the idiot creating all those annoying music videos. I know for a fact that i would buy you a snickers bar for this noble deed.

atta boy Jimi... show that innocent guitar who is boss