Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Nerd is the new sexy

important going-ons in the world today:

1) New CNN news survey says that more than 1/2 of the worlds workers are unhappy with their jobs

2) William has stopped trying to glean any new information from a place that tries to teach him that people dont like work.  let's hope they didnt dump too much money into THAT poll

3) Google has branded my blog as "sexy". Obviously this is the most interesting one.  let me start at the beginning...

In the beginning... stuff happened

THEN... Not too long ago, in an attempt to become ridiculously wealthy so i could spend money on things like chimpanzees in tuxedos, I shamelessly added advertisements to my blog.  you may have noticed them and their exceptionally poor quality, as I have.  but more importantly, you have hopefully put aside these petty qualms about "which ad is best" and just started clicking on them and making me some loot.

Anyways: I was looking at the blog (with all those ads you should click on), and I saw one of the ads read simply: "nerds.net".  No detailed explanation, no fancy logo trying to entice my feeble nerd eyeballs to clicking on whatever.  Simply a white banner saying "nerds.net".

Like any normal human who is going through human style denial, I laughed at this.  Of course, I laughed in that kind of: "my robot dance moves aren't impressing the crowds on the dance floor anymore... so i have to laugh with everyone and pawn it off as 'me trying to be funny'".  but, naturally, that only applies for someone who has crappy robot dance moves and obviously not me.  My bodatious robot moves are no longer in use because of too many love stricken gals, and too many jealous guys.  (if you thought about how unlikely that statement is, here is an interesting fact for you: club/wedding/Disoteca dance research says that people who have those feelings generally fall into one of those categories... sorry: i dont make these things up... often).  

the all powerful google advertisement department did it's all powerful google thing on my blog, and the only thing that the almighty cooperation (which I can almost guarantee DIDNT click on my ads) could really come up with was NERD.  That's it.  we are talking about GOOGLE.  the people who have Osama Bin-Laden's last known location on google maps. The same ones who have harnessed the great beast of the inter-web: and brought it to it's knees, while simultaneously showing us their incompetence as they came up with a crappy phone that everyone almost immediately forgot about (now THAT is cooperate dexterity).  These same people only came up with "Will's blog is the personification of NERD"

This probably tells me one of two things
1) I had something good to put here, but i forgot all about it... and i'm too lazy right now to come up with something else.  So just laugh a little and then move on to number 2

2) My blog may, in fact, be nerdy.  I know this may come as a shock to some who think the blog is too cool for school (which is true... it graduated from "too cool for school" school... which means it's a dropout... which would help explain some of the denial issues... and the terrible use of run-on sentences).  but the more i thought about it, the less i felt the need to follow through with my diabolical plan of destroying GOOGLE (which involves a combination of smoke bombs, ninja stars, paul walker's bad acting, and a tennis racket).  I realized that: Nerd is the new sexy.  let me explain

Exhibit A) Sara Connor. 
You just TRY and tell me that it's NOT sexy when she starts talking "killer robots" to you.  yeah... calm your storms and take a cold shower. i'll give you time to regain composure.

Exhibit 2) Calculon. 

Think of James Bond, minus the Timothy Dalton movies.  This will give you a brief insight to the fem-bot seducing Calculon.  If this gold-like metal man of pure suave doesnt inspire you to go out and "twist some bolts", i dont know WHAT would.  (disclaimer: i have no idea what "twist some bolts" means... i just figured that the quotation marks would make it risque/applicable)

Exhibit D)  
I rest my case

so: thank you, GOOGLE for making me feel a bit more comfortable with my sexy blog.

Full Disclosure note: i have made approximately 0.004 dollars from ads so far.  but dont worry: with my godlike wealth i plan on doing something which will benefit everyone, and buy ALL the tea in China... that's right... you heard me.

COMEDIC SIDE NOTE: I checked again and the ads are actually now "learn more about NERD GIRLS".  Google is playing dirty now....

Friday, June 10, 2011

The Psyche of a Scam-Man Part 1

Ok: this one is going to be short.  this is just a PREP for a future blog.

I am currently looking on Craigslist for a motorcycle.  it seems that everyone feels entitled to bags of cash for pieces of scrap that the junkyard does'nt even want... (and i thought the FREE section of CL was insulting).  But unlike the FREE section now people are trying to sell me a device which will ACTIVELY try to destroy me... and then do me the courtesy of paying top dollar for the privilege of buying my bane from them.

It's basically like working with kids who dont understand that people only BUY their lemonade because of the 'well, you are TRYING really hard, so i'll give you a buck' phelosophy. So i'll use a similar metaphor. It's like a kid trying to sell his ninja turtle to me... how do you tell them that the tooth marks in Leo's arm dont actually increase the value 1000%? or if they had crayoned a red stripe over his mask it STILL isnt Raphael. Nor will that ever make Leo as cool as Raph.

It seems that the only people who understand what a really good deal is is the Scam Artists.  And this is where it gets interesting.
I have been e-mailing a person who is selling a ridiculously expensive bike for a ridiculously low value.  they are assuring me that the safest way to do this transaction is online, (where ONLY THE BEST recently escaped convicts will treat my credit card and social security with the UTMOST respect and tact.).  i'm just assuming that's whats going on in the background... it's all spelled out in the 'pirates code' for criminals....

so: first step is identifying that they dont really have that motorcycle that they are trying to sell me.
The second, is MESSING with them.  via email.

Stay tuned...

Friday, June 3, 2011

How The Nerds Stole the Fun From Superpowers

There comes a crossroads in a person's life when they must ponder about deep and profound brain things like: "Where did I come from?", "Is there a God?", "why is Paul Walker still a movie star?" and "what practical purpose does a nerd have in my everyday life?”  

The existence of nerds, and their abstruse impact on life as we know it, is a well-documented phenomenon.  Mostly known for their "drooling while talking to girls" style, and amazing fashion sense (often consisting of moon boots), their importance in society must be bigger than "they make casual observers feel awkward when they try hitting on girls".  But i can conclusively say that i have found yet another reason why to cement the nerd's claim to future domination of the world.  Nerds can use abstract (code for useless) thought train (code for ADD) to explore the vast expanses of the impossible, and inform people when THEIR daydreams are idiotic and in need of being crushed. 

You would think that the question of "what superpower would you want?" would be a harmless “I’m-trying-to-be-friends” type question.  But you would be wrong.  It's not.  To a nerd this question is interpreted as "let me give you the nerd equivalent of slapping you in the face".  The way nerds see it: dreams need to be crushed. This world of superpowers is the nerd’s magical realm... and nerds are very territorial.  You are NOT invited to the party.  

Yes it's true: Nerds can crush dreams. According to ancient nerd-lore: nerds are the guardians of the homeostasis (see?!?!?! Chemistry class ACTUALLY taught me something) in the known universe today.  If not for nerds, people would run around with wild abandon and completely idiotic dreams.  These people need to be crushed.  Obviously, based on this bullet proof logic, crushing dreams is totally justified.

Common dream the nerd world feels the need to crush: How the super power that you THINK is cool is actually going to get you dominated (either via Villain with 1/2 a brain/body, or by simple laws of physics)

Let the crushing begin.

X-Ray Vision: People don’t often realize this at first, but there are some things that you can’t un-see. There are some barriers that are put up for our eye's protection... like bathroom stall doors.  You will never look at a person the same way when you witness firsthand what they REALLY had to go through to overcome their food poisoning. Imagine all the Butt tattoos that you'd see that would sear its image into your brain.  
People focus too much on the things they DO want to see and not enough on the things they DONT.
SUPERPOWER CRUSHED



Heart (from captain planet): 
This poor fool.  What sick cartoonist decided to pit a worthless superpower like "heart" against the evils of the world? Tell it to me straight, was this serious? Was someone high when they came up with this superpower?

 Last time i checked: when a heart has tried to battle a bullet, flying at super-sonic speeds out of a gun, or a ninja star, or heck, even too much CAFFEINE... the heart lost. This super power is, in fact, so worthless that I’m having a hard time figuring out who your arch-nemesis would be.  A donut? To add insult to injury, the rest of the gang had ACTUAL superpowers, like: causing earthquakes: a power solely reserved for the Greek god Poseidon himself. One of his buddies commanded FIRE.  I think someone was sending the wrong message when they are trying to convince kids that you only need the power "heart" to overcome supreme destructive forces.  Try seeing how much heart you have when the Fire dude turns you into a human candle.
SUPERPOWER CRUSHED


PS:  this is a picture of the kid who had "heart" as a power. what does "hidden knowledge" mean? to me this means "worthless knowledge" or is code for "i actually dont know, so i'm going to call it 'hidden'".  Jim failed his test because his knowledge was "hidden"... if he put it on the paper... it would defy the conspicuous nature of the knowledge. Jim may find that he will also fail at LIFE.


Flying (anti-gravity):  Let's assume that your super power DOESNT involve "i am now a human jet” because aside from the OBVIOUS hassle of the FAA requiring you to have yourself constantly inspected (including cavity search... yeah: they are THAT thorough), where do you expect to land? You think your LEGS are going to stop you as you come crash landing at 120+ MPH?  Plus: the ridicule of looking like a human jet would take its toll.  I, for one, would be merciless in my laughter at the one and only airplane man (you might call me heartless, but remember... HOMEOSTASIS).  
 
So: instead let’s assume that you just operate on Anti-Gravity.  Cool... the earth/universe no longer attracts you like it does everything else (yes: the universe just wouldn’t be attracted to you... it just got personal).  This means that the second you flip that superpower you will be sitting still watching as the UNIVERSE expands away from you at the speed of light.  You thought you were going to skip traffic... now you are worrying about what happens when you collide with a neutron star at the speed of light.  
SUPERPOWER CRUSHED (along with the rest of your body)

Time Travel:
I would try to give you my best Stephen Hawking explanation of why the best use of this impossible super-power would be going to the time you thought of having this power and slapping yourself.... but I’m not going to do that, because it just isn’t worth it if i can’t use my crippled/robotic voice. 
SUPERPOWER CRUSHED (hopefully before you thought of wanting this superpower... effectively avoiding a universe splintering time paradox)

Mind Reading:
"it'd be so awesome to know what he/she is thinking right now" is a common phrase.  Saying the aforementioned statement is a good way to have the collective Borg-like nerd universe laughing at you in eerie unison. People’s thoughts belong inside their skull, but not for THEIR protection... but YOURS. Let’s put this simply. With this power, you had better steer clear of prisons.  It's either that, or you are going to end up so mind-violated (note: this is an "all gender encompassing" statement) that even Freud himself wouldn't be able to make you a functional part of society again. I can just see poor Professor X having relapses each time he hears the song "jailhouse rock".
SUPERPOWER CRUSHED



Spinach making you a muscle man: If this isn’t the cruelest trick that parents ever played on their kids, i don’t know what is.  Correction: maybe if a parent was to tell their kid that Disneyland burned down and wasn’t coming back... and then threw their ice cream cone onto the ground (and then said that that was the last ice cream cone in the world).   But this is close second. Essentially, your super power is: the ability to be duped into believing anything.  Congrats: you are a super con-man victim. Well, i guess the super villains need SOMEONE to destroy/take advantage of.  
SUPERPOWER CRUSHED.

Mr. Fantastic (the stretchy/worthless man from Fantastic 4).  Yes: we are talking about the stretchy guy.  The only REAL super power you'd have here is the ability to slow down your brain functions enough to come up with an absolute abomination for a super hero name.  

So you can STRETCH?!?!?! so can my gum and only get worried when i swallow it and realize that it’s going to spend 7 years in my digestive system. Gumby was stretchy, and I’m pretty sure i didn’t see him striking fear into any super-villains.  Actually, that is probably WHY they became super villains: if this is the best that superhero's had to offer... why NOT take whatever you wanted? Beating the stretch out of Gumby is better exercise and cheaper than a gym membership. 
SUPERPOWER CRUSHED

I hope this helps. That is: helps hinder your imagination and continue to keep the nerd realm free of 'normies' (the common nerd-term for normal people)

Love,
Will