Friday, May 20, 2011

Good Ol' Fashioned Paranoia... and Shmelsey can come too

I've got a new hobby... I have discovered the joy of a little thing called "conspiracy theories" (they are the latest craze these days).  it's a totally normal and healthy hobby.  Apparently, all you have to do, is notice something random (probably innocent), and then delusionally freak out and believe that everyone is conspiring against you!  I am working on believing in aliens... but it looks like that is an "advanced maneuver" that is reserved for the most dedicated/elite conspirators.... rest assured i'll get there one day.

Don't worry: plenty of normal/healthy people have had that hobby... right before they go crazy, start thinking that the mailman works for communist Russia, and will stop at nothing to steal their toilet seats (which they will tell you was a wedding gift from Gabriel the Archangel), and go postal at the nearest bell-tower.  but of COURSE that's crazy... because communist Russia is totally just an imaginary conspiracy.

Today's target for coincidences chalked up as conspiracy is THE MAN.  THE MAN is trying to steal my blog... that's right... you heard me... read me... whatever.  THE MAN in this case is the Fox news cooperation.  And because they are THE MAN, i'm going to take this opportunity to stick it to them.  Here, i give you exhibit A

http://www.foxnews.com/leisure/2011/05/18/best-car-survive-zombie-apocalypse/

o dear, something looks familiar: perhaps it was the blog i wrote about the zombie apocalypse back in february

http://marblesharpwill.blogspot.com/2011/02/preparing-for-zombie-apocalypse.html
(you should go ahead and click on that link a couple of times.  this will pad my blog stats and make me feel falsely warm/fuzzy about myself.  shallow, i admit, but totally worth it)

But i've gotta admit... i would totally drive one of these babies around during the Zombie Apocalypse... probably when zombies werent around too.... (does that make me a redneck? the jury is still out on that question)



Anyways, enough about Smilliam's blog insecurity...(I am a rock... but a rock that will accept pity $20 bills).  I know what you are thinking right now: what could my blog have to offer THE MAN?  It is mostly nerdy... really has no direction... is sporadically posted at best... and doesn't have a league of talented writers to bail it out when Smilliam cant think of anything good to write about.  In my opinion, this last part carries the most weight (because words are Sherpas? Sheesh: i never knew that words were so lazy).  If you were going to copy someone's stuff... 

A) why not at least steal from someone who actually knows how to write well?  seriously... for the longest time, i really didnt know what an "adverb" was... until i broke the word down into "a" and "dverb" then it made total sense to me... I was going to fail my English Class.  to further prove my point without spell check... i'd be up siht creek.

2) Dont steal from someone who is torn because while he doesnt LIKE his ideas being stolen... he DOES like that the people who stole it checked out his blog... padding his stats even more, and are turning him into a completely conceited nerd... (dangerous combination... trust me.  such a person might look like this)

D) steal from a guy who doesn't reference random movies like "home alone" in subtle ways which often go unnoticed

So, have i gone psychotic? Perhaps.  But i have read enough of Orwell's "1984" and Rey's "Curious George" saga to know that this is a classic case of Big Brother/The MAN (sometimes with a yellow hat)/Corporation/Industry/zombies/Paul walker, using their big money and evil ways to try and destroy everything i hold dear... like the electronic storage of my poorly put together word things (blog), or movies... no wait.. that one was just Paul Walker. 
If they write an article about Paul Walker... Will will be willing to overlook this whole zombie mess.

oh: and P.S.  I told Shmelsey that i would put her in my blog.  And these last 3 sentences are dedicated ENTIRELY to her...  And now i dont feel bad getting a free haircut from her because of a bet she lost to me.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Of my nephew, Of Gavin's less-cute nephew, and other un-exaggerated thoughts

Let me start off this completely unbiased blog with a completely legitimate graph that I saw some very smart people (with lab-coats and clipboards) working on.


My roommate and I had a discussion the other night.  Correction: it was more of "a statement of facts", because a "discussion" connotates that there is a back/forth dialogue.  I simply stated the fact that "my nephew was the cutest being on the face of the earth, and most likely in the known galaxy as well". Although, now that I think about it, I probably didn't say "cute".  words that were possibly used include "awesomest" "Bodatious-est" "EarthShatteringlyGoodLooking" or a variety of other made up words that would have to try to make up for the english language's insufficient adjectives for my nephew... CALLAHAN... callahan... callahan.  (yes: orchestra cymbals smash and his name echoes every time you say it)

I, being known for my un-exaggerated, down to earth, and completely logical, statements, could not have POSSIBLY expected what came next. And here comes the part that makes me think that my roommate is actually on Crack, or perhaps some derivation of LSD.  The words that came out of his mouth was "Will, MY nephew is cuter than yours".

There are certain offenses that are a part of life which I just have to accept: vegan breakfast burritos, Bakersfield California, Evil Zombie Ninjas, Paul Walker Movies, or an accidental fart in a quiet crowd during your friends graduation speech (sorry Tom). But how is a man of integrity and ethics supposed to live with a statement which implies that there is something CUTER Awesomer than my nephew? Highly speculative and terribly advanced research shows that Hitler probably wouldave implied something along similar lines... I rest my case.

This is my Nephew Cal.


I've already got his first birthday present: it's a pointy stick to keep away the ladies.  I've got a spare to give him when the one I gave him breaks from overuse. He will have to learn how to use a tazer at a young age.

It's not that I'm biased... but after being able to hold Cal, i typically just look at other babies and see this: 



Unless whoever is reading this has a child.  then, their baby of COURSE look like THIS.








the point is: Cal has officially raised the bar for all the babies out there. Actually, not just for the babies, but for EVERY cute thing out there.  example: he would make a baby seal look like it was beat with an ugly club, and then turned into a rich ladies coat. THAT is how cute we are talking here... true story