Windshield Wipers Vs. Will's Sanity (1545 to 1)

New windshield wipers... is it sad that getting new windshield wipers completely made my day? The answer is YES. it is sad, and i'll explain why.  

 

It begins with the fact that the new wipers didnt just put a little grin on my face, but more along the lines of I "burned an iron mark through my shirt/ironing board/foot as i was thinking about how... 'right' the world was, now that my windshield wipers wiped with the greatest of ease". 

I'd like to think that i dont get uptight about too many things. i'll let my room get dirty (as in: i'll let a hurricane hit my room, and as long as the bed is still there, i'll sift through the wreckage to sleep on the mostly-not destroyed-soft-thing), i'll wear pretty much whatever isnt dirty (sometimes i even bend this rule), as long as my food has no sweet potatoes, yams, or doesnt get mixed with that toothpaste flavor right after you brush your teeth, i'll muscle whatever you put on the plate in front of me down the gullet. I actually dont care if my socks have holes in them. I've driven a totaled car... that had a crater on the side of it... that i bought for $610... through high school and college (and still somehow went on dates). I've decided "no, i dont need to take a shower this week" while camping.  I'll draw on my hand if i get bored, and i'll watch just about any movie as long as i dont have to watch another Paul Walker movie or another high school romance movie (a combination of the two might just be the personification of pure, hideous evil... i am probably going to hide in a cave now to try and escape this inevitable train wreck).  But for some reason, i'm a windshield wiper psycho. 

Even I find it disturbing, in that OCD way,that i end up using the 16 different windshield wiper settings that let you control the interval of wipe to the nearest 1/2 second. it's like i'm subconsciously counting the raindrops on my windshield, and as soon as the count reaches 183, those windshield wipers had BETTER get moving, or ELSE!!! And if you were wondering: yes... it is easy to tough talk the windshield wipers... they just dont stand up for themselves. i mean: REALLY?!?!?! I'm that anal about the wipers?!?! and the answer is "yes... really"

my old car (and this is about the only thing i remember about the car) had 3 wiper settings... the first setting was: once every 6 months, the second was: turbo psychotic mode, and the third was: go so fast, that the blur of windshield wipers would be more of an obstruction to your vision than the rain itself.  that car ran like a sewing machine for 8 years... i NEVER spent a dime on it other than gas... I hated it.  the windshield wipers sucked.

and the SQUEAK.  Eff the windshield wiper squeak.  they might as well have been little voices telling me to drive off the cliff and kill everyone in the car, just to silence the wiper squeak for good.

or when the wipers skipped across the windshield instead of ran smoothly across.  it's entire purpose in life was to clean my windshield and it had the AUDACITY to SKIP sections of it?!?!?! this is basically the same as automotive high treason.  i've had windshield wipers taken out back and shot for less.

And this is my most unnerving pet peeve... the windshield wipers that come equipped with a thin layer of crap to spread all over the window that i want cleaned.  initially i'd want to use the windshield wipers to clean off my window but soon realize that what i had REALLY done was press the "suicide via blind driving on the freeway" lever.  not only are the wipers NOT doing their job, but they are making it WORSE than when they had started.  i have this inkling that they are mocking me.

so, a combination of all of my wiper-hates had been plaguing me for the past 6 months.  the only thing i COULD do was precisely control the interval at which they tortured me on a rainy day. 

now, lets go full circle.  they day i changed them out, the air smelled fresher... food tasted better... i beat video games easier... and not even Paul Walker's acting skills could have gotten me down.  my nervous tic subsided, and i was no longer an emotional wreck inside the car.  i'm happy!!!

... for now... until these wipers start to get old, and begin anew the tyrannical car/window terrorism maliciously/meticulously meant for me.  

do me a favor: if you see my face twitching in nervous spasms, go ahead and change my windshield wipers.  (sometimes i'm too prideful to ask for help)

my Christmas list

So, my sister Tirzah just sent me her christmas list in response to my last post.  Rightfully so, she was probably terrified that i'd try to buy her clothes or something (she didnt want to have to destroy me... she is a good sister).  I thought her christmas list was a great idea! so: i sent my entire family my christmas list! here is the e-mail i sent. (ps: only AFTER i sent it, did i feel a little bit like calvin)

CHRISTMAS LISTS!!! GREAT idea, Tirz!!! i LOVE these things!  when it comes to GIVING gifts... i may be a bit retarded... but i am a pro at WANTING things.  dont worry too much though... i'll hold back a little bit, because: "Ferrari" might be a bit to intense for this list

1) a HEMP BRACELET FROM MY LITTLE SISTER ELYSE.  it's ok: i'm not going to name any names, or single anyone out... i suppose anyone could pick one of these up for me... (but if we were all in a room, i'd be staring at elyse right now)

2) a vita-mix (i know... this basically falls in the "ferrari" category... but if you dont aim big, you wont ever win big).  this would revolutionize my "putting the least amount of work into preparing food" mentality.  I would no longer even have to CUT things... with those silly/cumbersome knives... i'll merely throw things into a big jar, press a button and DRINK IT.  My new "high of the day" will be something like this "i just got a vita-mix, and for dinner, i drank a chicken"

3) maybe a sweet fold up bathroom bag that will keep all my bathroom stuff segregated, unlike my current mini-sack, which allows my toothbrush to be next to the bottle of shampoo that just exploded from mountain elevation pressure changes.  i mean: i DO love it when it gets so hot that my deodorant melts over my comb, but i think my conditioner is starting to get jealous that it's not getting enough attention, and this is my diplomatic move to keep the bathroom world at peace.

4) some sort of travel duffel bag.  because the hobo "tying things to a stick" method is a bit overrated... trust me.

5) LOVE (yes, this is a clear indication that i'm running out of ideas)

6) a hardback copy of "the scottish chiefs" by Jane Porter, because manly reading about the manly men of manly scotland (which apparently involves a lot of stuff/people dying) is pretty cool... in that manly man kinda way

7) I need a horn for my motorcycle (and not the toy-squeeze-type clown honker horn either) like the real deal.  because i'm pretty sure it's illegal to ride without one.  and while i do enjoy being a rebel and sticking it to the man as much as i can (as i'm sure we all do), this law of "you have to have a horn" falls under the same category of laws as "dont drive on the train tracks"... it's a law that i actually agree with.  because APPARENTLY trains dont play "chicken" very well...

8) off road car stuff.  the question of "how much should i lift my car" has the same answer to the question "how much horsepower does my car need" ... the answer is MORE. 

9) a hook up on a $50 used snowboard or something... because believe it or not, this is a step up from my $25 snowboard that i use right now.

10) any fancy looking book that you guys like (actually, it doesnt have to be fancy, but i figured i'd ask, because i'm TOTALLY a sucker for those overly-sophisticated looking libraries)  i know i'll never become too vain from too many leather bound books, because my book SHELF is basically step up from a wanton concoction of cardboard and cinder-blocks.  if the landfill had it's own bookshelf, it'd probably look like mine.  side note about books: i have a hard time staying into the books that dont have sweet stories... i know this this childish, but unfortunately true.  i KNOW that the book "how to become a jedi knight without even searching for yoda" might be an AMAZING how-to/self help book, but realistically the book would really just help me kick-start naptime.  Now that i think about it... i actually DO want that book... just for the bragging rights to say i have that book... nope, just checked, google says it doesnt exist.

11) NOT socks and/or underwear.  This is not a trick.  these items are actually running rampant throughout drawers, closets and laundry piles alike, in my disaster zone of a room.  It’s like a hurricane of socks has hit my room, and separated shirt from matching pants for probably the rest of their lives.  It’s more of a tragic story.  These articles of clothing are everywhere.  And they are multiplying.  Sometimes I fear that they will take over my room and overthrow me as “tyrannical dictator of the room”.  I now sleep with a nightlight.  Moral of the story.  Will wishes from santa to NOT have any more socks/underwear: because he is thinking about hiring an elite squad of mercenaries to re-establish order in the chaotic sock-infested room of mine

ok: that's all i can think of for now... hope it helps anyone who was getting angry about how they didnt know what to shop for.  feel free to send me your lists too!

Tis the season... to suck at giving things to people

 Ok, so it's that time of year again... when you have to buy presents for everyone.  Yes, this long dreaded season has approached us (or maybe just ME. i hope i'm not recklessly throwing you into the same category as me. i hope this, because you wont be offended that i'm doing it anyways) 

The reason for the real carnal fear of my well being is that I suck at buying presents.  i'm not quite sure how exactly this speaks of my nature, but i'm fairly positive that it isnt a good thing.  Christmas is that time of year where we sort through the people who can actually stand Will and his crappy gifts, and the people who just want to kill him because of his oblivious-gift-giving nature.  Needless to say, it's an emotional time for us all...

I've pretty much had every bad present experience you can think of... and still havent quite learned how to be good at buying presents.  ive bought the "too expensive of a present" at the gift exchange (and the "too cheap" as well).  I've been on both sides of the re-gifting battlefield. I've both bought and received gifts OBVIOUSLY from a gift store (but at least i TRIED to scratch the little price sticker off the broken record player).... ive tried it all, and have come to the conclusion: i suck at this whole "present" thing.

Basically, i've come to the understanding that presents are the most efficient way to tell someone how little you know about them. This is precisely why those "white elephant" parties are so effective.  everyone has realized that they have no idea what anyone else actually wants, and just spends $5 randomly, while praying that their present isnt the most hated of all (because we all know that secretly, that is a clear indication that your presents are on the BOTTOM of the present food chain. as in: if other people's presents were in the wild, they would go out of their way to eat your present.  your present is the equivalent of that "cant run so well/weak" animal on the discovery channel that you always hope can run just a little bit faster, but never can)

I COULD take the "i've already given up on this present route" and have the receipt stapled to the box (careful tho... more staples, especially on a small receipt will let everyone know about your frustration/desperation, and the psychosis of a desperate gift shopper might undermine the holiday cheer for everyone else).  but even this is essentially a loss already.  it's saying "heck: i have no idea if this is actually what you want, but maybe if i show you how much i paid for it, you'll HAVE to at least try to be nice to me."  in the end, i've decided that this method doesnt really crystallize the  "holiday cheer" i was going for to begin with.

I suppose if i was REALLY desparate, i could just hand someone a wad of cash.  the real thing that keeps me from doing this is the fact that i'm pretty sure i'd be totally exposed as a gift imbecile.  Also, it would kinda give me the feeling of "wow... i'm trying to purchase my friends' love" The real problem with this is the fact that i just dont have enough money to make it work for very long.

and having a guy shop for a girl is ESPECIALLY dangerous. and we are not talking about "emotional scars" type of dangerous... more of the "oh gee, i stepped on a land mine" type of dangerous.

yes, i am writing this KNOWING that every girl is going to disagree with me, and tell me how hard it is for girls to get guys stuff.  i'm gonna go ahead and call shenanigans on that one (ps: in all actuality, i'm just really excited that i got to use the word shenanigans in writing. and it was also pretty surprising that spell check was actually able to tell me i misspelled it at first. i dont think people understand how hard it is to actually use words like "shenanigans" or "bodatious" in an actual cohesive sentence.  you might just find that your sentences are 100x more fun, and people will begin to perceive you as an "innovative verbal trend setter" instead of "boring sentence man".  they may even give you $20). 

Shopping for guys is EASY (as easy as secretly laughing at someone's face as they are having a temper tantrum, or making fun of Paul Walker's acting skills).  look at something they use every day, get a better one (which will probably have some sort of laser attached) and give it to them.  BAM, you have a slam dunk present.  He may even ask you to marry him. 

Guys go through this same process when thinking about how to get some slam dunk present for a girl.  for all he knows, if he plays his cards right, he might even get a kiss on the cheek out of the whole deal (i think this might be why guys sometimes spend 100's of dollars on a gift). his thought process:  "oh, i see that she likes clothes... i'll get her some clothes".  what is actually happening, he just doesnt know it: "ooh! look at this fire! let's play with it"

warning to guys: you will go to some sort of christmas present hell, should you make this move. I had a buddy once who got clothes for his girlfriend.  and that was the end of my buddy.  they SAY he accidentally shot himself 47 times with a machine gun as he was cleaning it... but i dunno, i suspect foul play.  This present would be like a checkmate, connect four, jenga, hari kari, and Yahtzee all in one (hari kari, because you actually did it to yourself). 
here are a list of possible present mistakes, and how they would get you into trouble

mistake: you buy her clothes that are a size too small
result: she thinks that you think she needs to lose weight, and she destroys you

mistake: you buy her clothes that are a size too big
result: she thinks that you think she needs to lose weight, and she destroys you, but a bit more impressively than before.

mistake: you buy her the wrong color of clothes, or something that doesnt any outfit
result: she will tell you that you never pay attention, and she destroys you

mistake: you buy her some outfit that YOU think is awesome, like some amazing duck hunting gear that also happens to be YOUR perfect size (that you even offer to test it out at the duck blind for her!)
result: she first doesnt talk to you for the rest of christmas day, then destroys you, then at next christmas ends up getting you some diamond bracelet that also happens to perfectly fit her (that she even offers to test-wear for you!!!)... and then destroys you again... for fun.

Obviously you can tell what the problem is by now... everyone ELSE has a problem, and all my gifts are like Mary Poppins (practically perfect in every way).  Ugg... i cant believe i just used a Mary Poppins reference.  You know what? i'm gonna continue on in denial mode (similar to my "everyone else is wrong" theory), and convince myself that the MP joke was the best thing since sliced bread. 

Wish me luck: i'm going shopping now... let's pray i make it out with all my digits...