We are doomed... but there may be a chance to make some money

recently, I have found that it’s popular for people to be depressed.  Why else would we watch Paul Walker make movie after movie?  why else would we want to make a vampire’s life depressing by giving him sparkly skin? (yes, I'm talking about YOU twilight).  Just take a look at the V neck emo people.  DEPRESSED, yet somehow still popular.

Team BLADE!!!!

so: I, (William) who is obviously amazing at doing everything like:

• tearing up the dance floor with my hip/groovy robot dance moves
• chewing bubble gum AND walking...
• being able to sleep on my tummy AND back...
• being able to make up man points after using sissy words like “tummy” by hitting my hand with a hammer and laughing manically afterwards
• shooting guns, and backing up my other manly bullet points with MORE manly bullet points
• being so happy it’s depressing
• being so depressed its... (happy?... no no, that doesn't work... ummm: “so depressed its depressing?” no no... any fool couldave come up with that one... how about: “so depressed, that I have to do a play by play about my inability to come up with a good metaphor!” BAM! nailed it!!!)
• I WAS going to put “awesome at analogies that would even make a samurai giggle... but i’m having second thoughts after that last bullet point
• ok... these bullets are getting a little off topic now
• in all honesty: can you actually say that you WOULDN'T drive the Back To the Future Delorian car?

ok: this is me hitting the abort button on those bullet points...
but i’m pretty awesome at bullet points... RIGHT?!?!?!

Anyways, i took it upon myself to grease my hair into a fo-hawk, wear a v-neck t-shirt, imagine i had sleeve tattoos that i was going to regret every day after whichever birthday i wished for a little maturity and common sense, and i was going to be the BEST DEPRESSED PERSON EVER.  More depressed than a pirate without ninjas to kill.  more depressed than a french guy working 40 hours a week.  Even more depressed than Schmilliam’s dad, after he lost a game of bowling to a blind lady.  I was even going to paint my fingernails black... but then i remembered that i was only trying to be depressed, not trying to be a girl.

I realized many things in this deep pit of endless weepy-ism.  Things like: “wow, maybe if i wear glasses with non-prescription lenses i’ll be able to see through all the vanity in the world”.  and “wow, the lead singer to Dashboard Confessional cries a lot... which is basically  my runners high in this depression marathon”.  but fear not, because there IS some logic down there, proved by the fact that even when I was depressed... Paul walker still sucked.

Then I stumbled upon this little fact that brought a little too much reality to this episode of mine.  All those young whipper-snappers are not going to know about so many awesome things that every kid SHOULD know about.  ninja turtles, thundercats, He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, and most tragically STAR WARS.  

Big sailor curse words began to flow from my mouth like wine and honey (and drool).  little depressed punks would never know how menacing stormtroopers were to galactic freedom.  they wouldn't know that when lightning shoots from your fingertips, it means you are trying to hurt a pesky Jedi (and you arent dying by electrocution).  They wouldn't know a death star from a hole in the ground.  this next generation that is going to be protecting my freedom doesnt even know what a death star is.  and the politicians are expecting me to feel “safe” (and yes: i did use the hand motions for the quote/unquote).  

I now have a new purpose.  take advantage of people's ineptitude concerning He-Man, and steal the superhero group: “MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE”... and claim that i made it up. He-man must have had an ego the size of a battleship ready to reign down fiery death in order to call HIS group "M.O.T.U." ... and i like his style.  it's MY awesome group now!!!

obviously I’m going to become quite eccentric with the wealth that i’ll amass selling memberships to my “new” awesome superhero group (doing things like making a monster truck out of my ford pinto, and FINALLY give the Trix rabbit his cereal... before this SAINT of a bunny finally snaps and goes postal on everyone who has deprived him of breakfast for all those years)... 

Join NOW!!!

oh yeah: after doing all that, i’ll make it my OTHER goal to make Star Wars popular again.

my only problem is going to be: not sounding INSANE when describing a cute/fuzzy ewok, and how they were able to kill an army of stormtroopers which controlled the galaxy with an iron fist...

can we please not listen to these people anymore?

Most overrated musicians of all time. because deep down, whether you know it or not... you are tired of listening to them... these are NOT the droids you are looking for...

the drummer from the band "The White Stripes".  
So: imagine a wind up monkey-cymbal doll... but with less rythm... and capable of producing even MORE annoying noises... and being MORE creepy looking (surprising, right? that money has all those teeth, menacing smile, and that creepy tiny little hat... and mini vest.... ughhhh!!!!).  It’s like someone is having full body spasms... but right next to a drum set.  Yeah: listen for it next time.  Both hands and both feet all slam at the same time, producing one annoying stream of percussion.

she may need to change how she "feels" the music... 

Paul Walker playing the triangle.
I’m sure he does things well... just not playing the triangle... or acting



Kurt Cobain.
Sorry all you people who live in your garage, have long greasy hair and wear too much flannel (no, i’m not talking to all you red-necks out there, or Kid Rock... well, maybe i’m talking to Kid Rock).  you’d be depressed too if you went years, upon YEARS without ANYONE giving you a throat lozenge. I mean: that’s lamer than Stephen Hawking’s body (too soon? too soon?).



The flute player in Jethro Tull.
Common man, you make me sad.



Ringo Starr from the Beatles
It’s not that he’s a terrible drummer... its just who he chose to hang out with. He is completely eclipsed by musical genius.  I wonder if he got “musically bullied around” kinda like I imagine a REAL genius would mess with all the inferiors around him.  Just imagine all the other Beatles playing musical pranks on him, like pretend choking him with guitar string, or making him a resistor for your high current amp, or one of the many other shenanigans that those totally balanced musicians are prone to make.  And don't even TRY telling me that Ringo was your favorite Beatle.  This is like trying to say that “the peanut shaped Halloween candy is best”.  Saying things like this doesnt make you “thought provoking” or “intriguing”... it makes you an idiot.

What did the Beatles see in him?!?! maybe
it was his ability to be ignored by everyone

Whitney Huston:
It’s like listening to a skeleton sing and dance, except we can trust that a skeleton will stay in the closet (where it belongs) whereas Whitney keeps escaping from her cage.  Please come back when you know what a cheeseburger tastes like.  your prominent bones are depressing me.  I’m sure her Halloween concert is a blast, because she IS a skeleton.  But, for the same reasons that USA watches nascar (to see explosions and car crashes),  America watches to see if the weight of the microphone is going to crush her every time she leans back a little too far...

the "hobo" look does sell tickets tho...

Bono:
you must be thinking “wow, NOW we have got him! he wouldn't DARE be this careless to throw ROCK legend BONO onto this list”.  But this is me proving you wrong!!!.... i WOULD be that careless.

Yes: the world loves him... but SHOULD THEY?!?!

Lady Gaga:
Just because she can scare someone into not blinking for entire concerts at a time, doesnt mean that she is a musician.  in fact, the second your ability to drive horror into the hearts of young children outweighs any musical talent you have makes you... an OVERRATED musician.  Gaga-ism entertainment that challenges your ability to watch it.  You don't watch a horror movie for the depth of plot, you watch it because you don't feel like sleeping for a couple nights, and sleep with the lights on... (totally not something i would do... i HAD to, because the light switch was totally broken...).  same thing with Lady Gaga... it’s like a horror movie with music in the background.  you don't watch it for the music, you watch it to see if she’s going to go Ozzy Osborne and eat some living thing... (yet another reason that they don't let little kids go to EITHER of their concerts...)

case in point: if anyone has ever seen horror movies... all
dolls are incredibly scary...

F my I (for my information)

let me ask you a simple question (or 4)

1.     have you ever felt the need to tell a person something, and at the same time insult/borderline emotionally accost someone?   

2.     have you ever wanted to step into a room and felt the need to demonstrate your "han solo-esque-ness" by giving off the air of being slightly cocky, with subtle earthy undertones of arrogance, combined with a lovely bouquet of charm?

3.     have you ever felt the need to describe what just happened to you after you watched a paul walker movie?

4.     have you ever felt that you have an over-abundance of that silly "job security"?

if any of these apply to you, the there is an 87.5% chance that using the phrase "F your I" (for your information) could have an explosive(ly funny) effect on your situation.  (readers note: Smilliam is not liable for any lawsuits of any kind which might come from the use of this phrase.  He only demands that you pay him a dollar each time you use it)

Personally, I fall into category 3 and 4. (as I’m sure we ALL do...)

For some reason, the filter that lets you speak like a normal/not-insane person gets turned off at work.  What seems to replace this filter, is the "let's say absolutely psychotic things that could get me fired" generator. 

This is what a proper functioning
human brain will tell you to do when
prompted to sarcastically answer
questions

Demonstrating the physics of "foot in mouth"
This his is what my ABNORMAL nerd
 brain does to me... pretty much on a
daily basis

Exhibit A): jokingly (in that kinda serious way) telling a person that you'd be happy to "show them the ropes" around work.  Oh yeah, this "person" is the same person who signs the checks of the guy who signs the checks of the guy who signs MY checks. Side-note: I was fully aware of who this person was.  Additional idiot-note: I had only been working at the company for a couple of months.  I will admit that perhaps wise king Solomon would have chosen a different action, but he also had over a thousand wives... so... ummm... I don’t feel bad about not doing EVERYTHING a suicidal guy does.

Exhibit B): I was writing an incredibly nerdy/awesome/informative email to pretty much everyone who has the power to fire me. After typing up the email, I realized that my heading of "FYI" wasn't actually correct... because it really was not only for ONE person's information, it was for EVERYONE's information.  but i really didn't think that anyone would get FEI... I mean: common... that just sounds like something that the evil Jar-Jar Binks would say.  So the next best thing to star the email with was obviously "F everyone's I" 

A normal/Smart person would simply think "tee-hee that's funny" and immediately delete this HR-nightmare phrase.  The unfortunate truth is that my unfiltered nerd brain let my mouse cursor rest over the "send" button before I paused, because my brain started working (only a little bit) enough to tell me that something seemed strange. As you may have already guessed, I wussed out and just started off the E-Mail with "Hi".  sigh... I feel like the guy who gets into the plane, sees the door open and THEN decides he doesnt want to skydive. 

F everyone's I: I still have a job... for now.  

F my I: due to quickly depleting friend supply, I may need to re-think this phrase's regularity in my conversations.

Fashion through a nerd's perspective. PART 1

Eff you, Fashion.  Am i the only one who thinks you have lost ALL your marbles? more importantly: you have somehow managed to convince everyone that you are cool.  everyone but ME. 

Obviously everyone is going to gang up on the nerd and they'll all tell him "just leave these complicated fashion things to us 'big' people",  and then they TOTALLY wont help him get past the 5-2 level in Mario EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THEY CAN DO IT WITHOUT DYING... ummm... is probably what the nerd would yell in his pj's from the couch at those fashion jerks. anyways... that totally wasn't a personal story... 

Look at all the Goddamn ways to die in this effin' level
turtles which can somehow KILL YOU!!!
plants that will EAT YOU!!!
ENDLESS GODDAMN PITS!!!
and JERKS that wont help you get through it when you
only have ONE LIFE LEFT!!!! this is how lifelong feuds start

Right... back to it.... for now.

i have discovered that what keeps me sane isn’t denial (this time), but rather the juxtoposition of really really insane fashion-isms with really really REALLY bodatious ones.  There is a great example! the only thing that keeps me from going insane, knowing that the word "fibbertigibbet" is actually a word, is the fact that the word "bodatious" exists to ad balance to the world of words.

so lets begin...

Makeup: crazy medieval people used to paint their faces before they went out to war.  Don’t try to tell me otherwise.  I’ve seen braveheart.  Mel Gibson painted his face and opened up a KEG of whoop-ass on the English.  So, what am i to expect when a girl does the same thing to go on a date?  You had better hope you open every damned door for her, before she eff’s your ish up.  The only difference is that Mel didn’t take 4 hours to put his on.  Nor did he use one of those silly/sissy mirrors.  Gibson just slapped some of that makeup on his dome-piece and was ready to kill people.  Actually, now that i think about it, girls don’t need the war paint to be ready to kill someone... they seem to always be ready to uncork some "I’m gonna kill Smilliam". (Note to nerds: just never assume ANYONE is pregnant) so remind me: what is the makeup for again?

\

The anti-makeup: cars with wheels that are WAY too big on them!!!  Yes yes yes. bodatious bodatious bodatious.  When Henry David Thoreau said "simplify simplify simplify" how could he have known that something as amazing as monster trucks were going to exist in the future?!?!?! I won’t hold it against him... MUCH.  Plus... this will help me get away/ steamroll over all the crazy people with the warpaint

Moon Boots:  The mentality here was probably "astronauts are cool and you'd be cool too, if you wore their boots". I believed that... when i was 4.  That’s when i realized things like: just because i have a cape on, doesn’t mean I’ll be able to fly off the top of my house. Why insult the moon by naming worthless boots after them? They don’t stay on very well, because they are only warm if they don’t get wet... or worn. Their only REAL use is to fall off after you feel like walking any faster than a mozy, and from recent experiences; mozying is typically frowned upon. Especially at fancy-like clubs.

The anti-moon-boot: Argyle socks!!! God, these things are so awesome! It’s not often that someone gets to say: "i have more class in my FOOT than you do in your whole body"... that is: until you start wearing those sexy sonsabitches on your feet.  With this piece of scotch sexiness on your body: you'd outclass James Bond (on days that he wasn’t wearing his argyle underwear... and THAT's how he got so many ladies... F your I).

Small pockets on the sleeve of a jacket/shirt: probably the most useless thing sown onto a jacket since the sequin.  If i ever need a special place to put a quarter... I’d think about putting it in a quarter sized pocket on my arm.  If the quarter didn’t fit, i could probably fit my self-esteem in there instead... because that's how big it would be if i was actually wearing one of those pockets. The real problem in this scenario is that a quarter hasn’t been able to buy you anything but a gumball since 1940. It isn’t even enough for you to call a tailor to tell him to rip of that stupid pocket for you.

The anti-small-pockets-on-your-sleeve: the bandana over your FACE.  Being a felon has never looked so cool.  Hell: with one of these, i could go around with wild abandon tearing everyone's small pockets off!!!

They even had to put a $100 bill to try to
convince you that these pockets are cool.
The joke is on them though: this FORTUNE
never made it out of that pocket alive

Small pockets in pants:  What can you fit in there? A lighter? I’ll tell you what you CAN’T fit in there... anything that you want to get out of that pocket in less than 5 minutes.  If you have ever TRIED to put something in there, you'd know what I’m talking about.  I once put a movie stub in there, and was forced to put on a circus show for the jerk in the theater that won’t let you get in without proof that i paid.  4 somersaults, 2 stop-drop-and-rolls, and 2 timeouts to catch my breath, later i was able to successfully hand him the 400 pieces that once made up the movie stub.  He made me buy another.  Since then: I’ve understood that that pocket is where little things go to die. 

The anti "small pockets in pants": Knives that have hidden compartments in them.  You might be thinking: "you probably believe that having something like that makes you like Rambo..." and you are right.  I would expect my muscle mass to grow about 82% to match Sylvester Stallone's. Think of how awesome I’m going to look from the 10 I just bought from the sketchy guy at the flea market

Small pockets: I just didn’t want to make any other small pockets feel left out.  They are all equally worthless. I hate them all.  You will too, once you forgot that you left your pen in them and they go through the washing machine.  

Anti-small pockets: ARGYLE ANYTHING.  Oh Yes, I mean it.  Yes, I don’t care what has argyle on it.  You could have one of those worthless/sissy SCRUNCHIES.  Slap some argyle on that sombitch, and you have got one damn sexy way to hold your hair. (This example assumes you are a girl.  If you are a guy and are doing this… I’m sorry… not even ARGYLE can save you)

Paul walker: i don’t want to talk about it.  According to IMDB "fast and the furious 6" has been announced, apparently, i need to fire my lobbyists, and just resort to bribing/blackmail.  I feel like this is starting to get personal.  

Anti-Paul Walker:....aww, man! I don’t have an anti-Paul walker!!! Eff this guy!

Music videos:  think about this statement: "i am going to go watch some music".  Are you now thinking about something a loony person would say?  The only similar statement i can think of is “i am going to go FEEL the music".  And that is what someone says when they are about to get hopped up on some Ex.  Other insane-sounding phrases include "I’m going to go listen to the print in my book", or "i want to see the feeling of someone punching me in the face" (which might be better than some of the music they made videos to).  How many ways am i supposed to soak in music? Anything other than "through the ears" starts creeping me out.

Anti-music videos: Jimi Hendrix style "smashing guitars on stage".  If this isn’t "sticking it to the musical man" i don’t know what is.  Maybe you can even do this to the idiot creating all those annoying music videos. I know for a fact that i would buy you a snickers bar for this noble deed.

atta boy Jimi... show that innocent guitar who is boss

Death Breath

Breaking news, all you dental lovers out there (This means YOU, if you have teeth. And I probably DONT mean you, if you are a hillbilly... but in that case, you probably cant read anyways...).  Crest toothpaste has been mugged, teabagged, and left helpless on the side of the road.  

(In any case... my mouth takes the brunt of the pain)

If this DOESNT come as a shock to you... you may be in that "hillbilly" category that i was just talking about.  Ok, are you paying attention now that i've insulted you?  

Let me fill you in a little bit about the nature of this "CREST tyrant" that i speak of.  I'm talking about the same CREST toothpaste that emotionally scarred you (and your gums) when you ate a dill pickle and so stupidly after brushing your teeth.  CREST made you pay for thinking that your mouth was big enough for CREST and any other flavor.  You probably remember the epic battle which shook the eating world when CREST and Lemonade went head-to head for dominion over the tongue.  CREST took no prisoners.  but were we really surprised at that outcome?  We all know that CREST would probably melt the toothbrush if you left it on for too long.   

So, "what," you might ask, "could possibly do this to all powerful Crest?"

.. arch nemesiss... GARLIC.

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!! (did you see how i made
this caption interesting by adding a movie quote? do
you see how i'm making it LESS interesting by making
it too long? do you see how annoying it is to have someone
explain their entire thought process to you? Do you see how
you want to hit the guy who is writing this more than you want to
finish reading it? FASCINATING!)

This morning, Garlic and crest had a showdown.  after many involuntary facial contortions, (which i can only assume were induced by the chemical warfare that was happening in my mouth), with tears in my eyes (it was the chemical warfare... not because i'm a sissy or anything), i found that the taste that remained in my mouth wasnt the "punch you in the face" CREST... nay: it was the "i will kill any vampire within a 20 ft radius" GARLIC.  Not only has Garlic taken over my mouth/breath... but i'm starting to feel possessed, as it appears to be seeping out of my pores as well.

Normally, i would cheer at the de-throning of the evil dictator: CREST... but it seems like it was replaced by an even more evil overlord.  Needless to say: Garlic has overstepped its bounds and started encroaching on the kissing life of Will.  And this must be stopped at all costs, because kissing, (as we all know) is cool. and we must all unite to save all things cool (especially when it involves things like "paul walker protests" and Will's kissing life). 

Time to pull in the big hitters.  I plan to call my old mercinary friend "baking soda" and if that doesnt work i'm going to Napalm the enemy occupied mouth region with large quantities of jalapenos.  wish me luck, homies (yes: i dabble in gangster when i'm not too busy nerding-out)

Totally Back, But Not Really

There is probably a good reason why I haven't written on my blog in a long time.  I just don't
know it yet.  Maybe its because I'm lazy... or maybe I've been on nerd-tures (nerd adventures... dont worry: they totally are cooler than it's spelled/sounds). 

In the time that I HAVE been gone , I have been doing many awesome nerd-ish things which may or may not have had an effect on the space time continuum.  Note: if you got a phone call from future Will, disregard everything he said.  I'm pretty sure that he (I) turned to the dark side.  odds are, I had an epic battle with Yoda, which at first sounds "not very epic".  because epic battles don't usually involve little green men the size of something that can be easily drop-kicked.   But things probably started spicing up after me and the not-drop-kickable Vader destroyed a couple more planets.  Kaboom-tures (adventures that involve blowing things up).  

anyways: space time continuum... I've created a rift... the whole world is probably going to end... bla bla bla.  To prove that I went back in time, I started leaving OBVIOUS evidence of my time-tures (time adventures).  Exhibit A: guess who put an extra "u" in continuum?  Because I knew that there would be those nay-sayers out there, like my roommate Gavin (still somehow managed to think that his nephews were cuter than mine, even though I showed him an incredibly accurate chart demonstrating otherwise.  Plus he still says this even though I have destroyed planets with Darth Vader. Now THAT is a man who goes on ball-tures... ballsy adventures.  yes: you heard me... Gavin goes on ball-tures.  As you can probably tell: our arguments always stay classy and mature), so I also decided to mess with the word "Vacuum" for absolute proof that I visited another time.  haha: just look at that abomination of a word: "Vacuum".  Just try telling me that all those 'u's weren't a practical joke that got slipped into the dictionary while some time travelling nerd drugged Noah Webster into unconsciousness.  I would also like to point out that technically I was the first person to sharpie on someones (Mr Webster's) face after slipping them too much alcohol into their fruit juice.

Let's just hope I made time travelling look
as cool as Marty McFly did. 

If you are impressed with my obvious/amazing knowledge of the space time continuum, it's probably due to the fact that I recently went through a "back to the future" marathon.  This, coupled with a "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure" double header, and a case of red bull would be juuuuust enough to get this little trip-ture (tripped out adventure) rolling.  could you immagine (damn: i forgot to put in the second "m" in immagine!!!) what type of blog i wouldave wrote if I would have been watching "Lord Of the Rings" instead?  yeah: we ALL dodged a bullet on that one.  OR DID WE?

Authors note: I have been informed by my future/evil self that we did, in fact, dodge that bullet.

The art of being inept at very simple things... which technically makes me an adept artist

Hi everyone: my name is William, and I suck at things.


Have you also ever had that moment's realization of "i really suck at this activity"?  How about that moment when you realize: "how is it possible for a human being to be bad at this activity"? yeah... i just went through (another) one of those.

I recently went on a trip where everyone was fishing.  You may think that this requires a lot of effort... I did too.  I immagined fishing being a sport where a fish, the size of a volkswagen, would emerge from the depths, and it would be up to me and my trusty pole to bring the menace of the deep down so it would devour innocent people no more. In this immaginary world, the word "immagine" also DOES have 2 'm's in it.  But alas, this is not fishing... this is just a condensed/more exciting version of Moby Dick.

This is what I was expecting...

This is what actually happened...

As it turns out, I suck at fishing.  I know this is going to be paradoxical... but i am AWESOMELY terrible at it.  As in: it would take a normal person ("normies" is what i'll call them) a LOT of time and energy to accomplish the level of anti-skill that i have risen (fallen) to.  as it turns out, fishing is actually the easiest thing ever. it's even easier than making fun of Paul Walker. Fishing is a sport which only involves putting bait on a hook, sitting in a boat and drinking beer.  Bam... Done. that is fishing.  through a grueling lack of technique and absence of a worldly care, fish are drawn to you in droves. Every once in a while you are so rudely interrupted from drinking beer and, you have to muster up the energy/desire to reel in that fish which is the size of an object which is similar in shape to a huge fish (...dont judge on terrible analogies, lest ye be judged.  And you'll be analogized to a person who judges terrible analogies).  

Somehow, i managed to be the one individual NOT capable of this FEAT of inactivity.

There was only one moment of excitement during the whole fishing-sucking thing.  it was when i hooked a fish.  keep in mind: i didnt CATCH a fish... i HOOKED it.  And it was barely a fish... a tadpole probably couldave eaten it. by "hooked it" i mean litterally, my hook got stuck in the fish's back, and i reeled it in.  I dont even understand how this is physically possible.  I'm just trying to immagine what actually happened under the water which led to that fish getting a hook in its BACK.  the fish must have seen my lure and thought: "wow, does this Idiot actually think that this pathetic lure is going to catch anything?!?! He's not even drinking beer right..." and as he called over his fish buddies to join in a chorus of laughter at my ineptitude, i somehow spasmed very unlike an actual skilled fisherman would spasm, accidentally hooked it in it's back. either that, or the fish was so dis-interested in my lure that i had to hit him with the hook to bring him in.   

How is it POSSIBLE to suck at fishing? How did I manage to be terrible at doing NOTHING? I'm going to call it 'skill'. a therapist would probably prescribe some medication for this "skill" of mine.

Life lessons learned:

1) I need to get better at drinking beer and sitting in a boat

2) I should try finding a sport where i need a spear to protect myself from the fish instead of a hook

3) being able to humiliate at least one fish (in front of all his fish-friends), by hooking him in the back, made hours of frustration worth it. 

4) quick way to lose a lot of man points: be the only one to not catch ANY fish for an entire weekend

5) quick way to gain a lot of man points: come up with better analogies (as you may have guessed: i'm way in the negative here...)

Nerd is the new sexy

important going-ons in the world today:

1) New CNN news survey says that more than 1/2 of the worlds workers are unhappy with their jobs

2) William has stopped trying to glean any new information from a place that tries to teach him that people dont like work.  let's hope they didnt dump too much money into THAT poll

3) Google has branded my blog as "sexy". Obviously this is the most interesting one.  let me start at the beginning...

In the beginning... stuff happened

THEN... Not too long ago, in an attempt to become ridiculously wealthy so i could spend money on things like chimpanzees in tuxedos, I shamelessly added advertisements to my blog.  you may have noticed them and their exceptionally poor quality, as I have.  but more importantly, you have hopefully put aside these petty qualms about "which ad is best" and just started clicking on them and making me some loot.

Anyways: I was looking at the blog (with all those ads you should click on), and I saw one of the ads read simply: "nerds.net".  No detailed explanation, no fancy logo trying to entice my feeble nerd eyeballs to clicking on whatever.  Simply a white banner saying "nerds.net".

Like any normal human who is going through human style denial, I laughed at this.  Of course, I laughed in that kind of: "my robot dance moves aren't impressing the crowds on the dance floor anymore... so i have to laugh with everyone and pawn it off as 'me trying to be funny'".  but, naturally, that only applies for someone who has crappy robot dance moves and obviously not me.  My bodatious robot moves are no longer in use because of too many love stricken gals, and too many jealous guys.  (if you thought about how unlikely that statement is, here is an interesting fact for you: club/wedding/Disoteca dance research says that people who have those feelings generally fall into one of those categories... sorry: i dont make these things up... often).  

the all powerful google advertisement department did it's all powerful google thing on my blog, and the only thing that the almighty cooperation (which I can almost guarantee DIDNT click on my ads) could really come up with was NERD.  That's it.  we are talking about GOOGLE.  the people who have Osama Bin-Laden's last known location on google maps. The same ones who have harnessed the great beast of the inter-web: and brought it to it's knees, while simultaneously showing us their incompetence as they came up with a crappy phone that everyone almost immediately forgot about (now THAT is cooperate dexterity).  These same people only came up with "Will's blog is the personification of NERD"

This probably tells me one of two things

1) I had something good to put here, but i forgot all about it... and i'm too lazy right now to come up with something else.  So just laugh a little and then move on to number 2

2) My blog may, in fact, be nerdy.  I know this may come as a shock to some who think the blog is too cool for school (which is true... it graduated from "too cool for school" school... which means it's a dropout... which would help explain some of the denial issues... and the terrible use of run-on sentences).  but the more i thought about it, the less i felt the need to follow through with my diabolical plan of destroying GOOGLE (which involves a combination of smoke bombs, ninja stars, paul walker's bad acting, and a tennis racket).  I realized that: Nerd is the new sexy.  let me explain

Exhibit A) Sara Connor. 

You just TRY and tell me that it's NOT sexy when she starts talking "killer robots" to you.  yeah... calm your storms and take a cold shower. i'll give you time to regain composure.

Exhibit 2) Calculon. 

Think of James Bond, minus the Timothy Dalton movies.  This will give you a brief insight to the fem-bot seducing Calculon.  If this gold-like metal man of pure suave doesnt inspire you to go out and "twist some bolts", i dont know WHAT would.  (disclaimer: i have no idea what "twist some bolts" means... i just figured that the quotation marks would make it risque/applicable)

Exhibit D)  

I rest my case

so: thank you, GOOGLE for making me feel a bit more comfortable with my sexy blog.

Full Disclosure note: i have made approximately 0.004 dollars from ads so far.  but dont worry: with my godlike wealth i plan on doing something which will benefit everyone, and buy ALL the tea in China... that's right... you heard me.

COMEDIC SIDE NOTE: I checked again and the ads are actually now "learn more about NERD GIRLS".  Google is playing dirty now....

The Psyche of a Scam-Man Part 1

Ok: this one is going to be short.  this is just a PREP for a future blog.

I am currently looking on Craigslist for a motorcycle.  it seems that everyone feels entitled to bags of cash for pieces of scrap that the junkyard does'nt even want... (and i thought the FREE section of CL was insulting).  But unlike the FREE section now people are trying to sell me a device which will ACTIVELY try to destroy me... and then do me the courtesy of paying top dollar for the privilege of buying my bane from them.

It's basically like working with kids who dont understand that people only BUY their lemonade because of the 'well, you are TRYING really hard, so i'll give you a buck' phelosophy. So i'll use a similar metaphor. It's like a kid trying to sell his ninja turtle to me... how do you tell them that the tooth marks in Leo's arm dont actually increase the value 1000%? or if they had crayoned a red stripe over his mask it STILL isnt Raphael. Nor will that ever make Leo as cool as Raph.

It seems that the only people who understand what a really good deal is is the Scam Artists.  And this is where it gets interesting.
I have been e-mailing a person who is selling a ridiculously expensive bike for a ridiculously low value.  they are assuring me that the safest way to do this transaction is online, (where ONLY THE BEST recently escaped convicts will treat my credit card and social security with the UTMOST respect and tact.).  i'm just assuming that's whats going on in the background... it's all spelled out in the 'pirates code' for criminals....

so: first step is identifying that they dont really have that motorcycle that they are trying to sell me.
The second, is MESSING with them.  via email.

Stay tuned...