Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse

If anyone is searching for deeper meaning or the hidden intrinsic value of this blog, you can stop reading... because there isnt one.  You are off the hook, you've done your due diligence and gave this post a shot for a whole 2 sentences (so far) and you are justified in moving to another page.  We will NOT be discussing  philosophic pish-posh. We ARE going to be talking about real-world "know-how" concerning the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse.

We've all seen the movies, and are quite aware of the zombie's existence.  While the zombie population still remains low, and largely underground (especially in dark subway tunnels, where most every scary-movie thing happens) there has been a recent emergence into the public. Paul Walker immediately comes to mind, while the "Twilight Saga" is still under heavy suspicion.  In any case: all the signs point to the fact that the Zombies are coming (why else would Paul Walker continue to be in new movies?).

I’ve found that because Hollywood often feeds the public misinformation (which I blame on the high zombie concentration in Hollywood), it is imperative that we set the record straight. Your life will probably one day hinge on whether or not you have a high "Zombie IQ".

So, let's just start off with the basics of what you need to know to stay alive during the Zombie Apocalypse.

When in Doubt. Don’t die. Yep, we really are starting off with square one here.  But based on the large population of people who somehow DO manage to die from an undead person who is less mobile than a paraplegic sloth in a coma, I felt that this tip was worth going over again.

Diet. Every fight is a food fight... for a zombie. Zombies live on a diet with a high concentration of "person" in it.  This is probably due to the fact that in their “alive” state, they didn’t get to eat NEARLY enough cookie dough or cheesecake.  What YOUR diet should include is a steady intake of cookie dough, which will act as a "zombie repellent" because of it's high dose of Awesome.  While on this diet, dont be surprised if you suddenly find that you know kung-fu and can do a double-backflip roundhouse kick zombies into oblivion. People will likely give you $20 bills as well.

Choose your group wisely. If you are travelling with a group of people, one person is going to get infected, and you will have to make a moral decision to throw them to the zombies. This is just a fact of the Apocalypse. People will be depressed at this hard decision.  But if you KNOW this fact, and plan ahead, you will make sure to keep someone with you that you really don’t care for, (like the person who always cuts in line, or the person who hands out parking tickets) that way, you can boost morale by throwing THEM to the zombies too. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade (if it gives you zombies, make the world a better place by getting rid of jerks).

Weapons. This is a crucial decision.  Choosing the right weapon might mean the difference between surviving to tell the tale, or becoming the living dead (kind of like what happens when your girlfriend takes you clothes shopping.

• Approved techniques of Zombie Obliteration: 

Napalm,  (Flamethrowers work well too)

Bazookas,  (so simple, even the kids in your group could use)

Guns with barrels larger than your arm, 

(when you carry something like this, you will exude the aura of "you need to respect my personal space" or "please, do not touch"... even the brain-dead zombies will understand your personal wishes when you tote a hand-cannon)

things that shoot spikes, or have blades attached... 

(this is a personal favorite among legendary zombie killers like Vlad the Zombie hater, Benson "let's kill some zombies" Bulltrue, or Santa Claus.  almost a MUST for any zombie killer. NOTE: be careful which pocket you attempt to put these in.  this was also a favorite weapon of Ansem the Terrible before he became Ansem, the Terrible Eunuch)

lasers, 

lasers are particularly effective, because you will look really cool while you are killing zombies.  Someone may even mistake you for Han Solo (which actually might make this whole zombie apocalypse/everyone dying thing worth it).  Lasers should be used in moderation though.  While lasers used in the Zombie Apocalypse will protect you from zombies, if you start carrying one around NOT during the ZA, it will only protect you from talking to women.

and any kind of spaceship

•  Things that Hollywood tells you to do, but will just get you killed and laughed at in the process: just stand there and scream for help, open handed slapping, pepper-spray, laying on the ground crying, blunt wound trauma via pillow or bag of cotton balls.

Vehicles of destruction. If you are going to want to go to the local mall to hang out at the local arcade, play your favorite tune on the jukebox,  AFTER the ZA. You are going to need a vehicle.  If you drive around a Prius, your ecological-friendly days are numbered.   If, on the other hand, you see one of THESE on the side of the road,

  you should be able to travel safely. 

Let’s go over this again.  THIS is a good choice.

 

whereas THIS 

might as well have Christmas lights and come with a fork and knife for the local neighborhood ZOMBIES.

Well: this should give you a good start… for living.  For anything I didn’t cover: resort to the first rule

References:
Resident evil (video game)
"Why zombies suck: an autobiography of THE BENSON BULTRUE" (book)
"The adventures of Vlad the Zombie Hater" (book)
"Be careful what you put in your pocket" by Ansem (memoirs)
Paul walker movies (movies... sorta)

Maybe it IS time for a Mid-Life Crisis

There are a couple of events that cause you to immediately stop whatever you are doing, and re-examine your lifestyle.  I've had a couple of those recently. Allow me to expound (hmmm, funny how it SEEMS like i'm asking for permission, but really, you dont really have the ability to NOT allow me to expound.  Oh, the awesomeness of passive-aggressiveness)

1. If you find yourself overly passive aggressive (or too self-contradicting)
2. If you are the person pictured above, which is one of the first things that came up when I google image searched "Crazy Person"
3. If you score a 300 in bowling.  from the amount of time required do do this feat, odds are you have a beer belly (or two, which IS possible if you scored a 300) and have been divorced twice, because you spend too much time at the local bowling alley instead of spending time doing things that actually matter. (note: video games are excluded from this category, because they are awesome... and because i actually dont care to deal with that reality at this time)
4. If you find yourself being strangely attracted to LARP'ing (Live Action Role Playing.  It's the pinnacle of nerd... and not the good kind of nerd either... but the kind that scares you, and makes you lock your doors at night (sometimes in the day), and convinces you why you shouldnt drink alcohol while you are pregnant)
5. If you are standing in your local blockbuster, deciding which Paul Walker movie to rent.
6. If you have more fingers than teeth (or if either of those numbers is below 8).
7. if you play a perfect game of darts.  in all honesty, giving a drunk person sharp throwing objects should be low on the "to do" list.  It is quite possible that if you have gotten THIS good at darts... you have already killed at least one person... but likely, the number is hovering around 3.
8. If your World of Warcraft level is greater than your age
9. if i say "Star Wars Holiday special" your skin crawls because you knew (and have seen) what I'm talking about... (no wonder why the empire struck back)
10. If, as you are getting into your yellow car in the morning, your pants explode.

So, this morning my pants exploded.  One minute I was walking to my car, and the next minute, I was sitting in the drivers seat basically wearing two disconnected pant legs.  Thoughts that come to mind are things like "I'm not one to be self conscious, but is this a good time to start?", or "I wonder if the incredible hulk ever had to deal with stuff like this?".  I would normally feel cool that I could finally relate to the Incredible hulk on issues other than our similar desire to destroy things when we get mad, but our similarities are a bit more depressing; what he has in muscle I have in FAT.

I feel that it's just an odd emotion when you are trying to decide if you are responsible for brutally murdering your pants, or if they had committed suicide right before your eyes (or before your legs). 


Maybe i should stop buying $7.99 pants. OOOORRRR: maybe they should toughen up if they dont want to end up a sploded mess, or in the incinerator as i laugh over their burning embers as sweet recompense because they just cost me 8 bucks. 


Conclusion: we will be having a pant bonfire this weekend at my place... all are welcome.  indecent exposure tickets will be given as necessary. 

Other Conclusion: Ignorance is bliss! Rock on! Iron Maiden Rules!

the Suggestion Box in Action

Someone recently told me that I have a tendency to be overly negative in the things I write about.  They also suggested my blog be more constructive when they told me to "stop being so negative". "Talk more about the things you like, and make me like them too".  I, probably being the best person in the world at taking constructive criticism, am about to do just that.

This blog is all about taking advice and being constructive.  I'm going to stop being so negative and talk about something that I like, and am in fact quite excellent at (no, not Foosball, or being lazy).  I'm just going to throw all caution to the wind and really spill my heart out on this one. 

I like to dislike things. 

Its true. Dislike brings about conflict and we all know that conflict brings about Arnold Schwarzenegger movies. Do I really want to hear, at the dinner table, "my day was fine: i liked everything about it"? No. I want carnage.  I want to hear something like: "Well, my day went like this; first, an ugly colored pinto, filled with zombie nazis, cut me off on the gridlocked traffic, where i promptly lost control over my emotions, went into a hulk-like rage, and incinerated the car with my flamethrower. There was blood everywhere. Unfortunately, one of the zombie nazis escaped the flame, and I was forced to single handedly fight it to the death, with the use of a shoelace and badminton racket, while it was trying to steal some candy from a baby.  There was more blood everywhere."  If you had a story like that, you'd be a national hero. You'd probably even be able to run for president.  And you'd owe it all to the fact that you disliked nazi zombies... and traffic.  Arnold even became Governor because of his dislike for evil robots.  The sky is the limit for someone who hates evil robots (or nazi zombies) as much as he did.

Since we are on the topic, I suppose that I should also mention that I also love to be stubborn.  This may come as a surprise, especially since I am so willing to change my entire blog because some people feel that I'm too negative.  This character trait has also led to some good (borderline emotional scarring) stories.  Like the times when people said "Your Nissan Altima probably cant drive off road", or "I wouldn't drink that... I think we bought that milk 4 months ago" or "I don't think ANYONE could jump over that bonfire".  But everyone knows that scars are cool... I'm going to assume this also means the emotional kind.

On a completely unrelated topic... I thought this Far-Side comic was funny.