Friday, June 12, 2015

Trying to get a sequel to the best game... EVER.

Recently, whilst feeling rambunctious... I decided to write a letter to the guy (Tim Schafer) who came up with the game "full throttle".
TRY and tell me your testosterone levels didnt just spike...

Honestly, this game is the reason I ride motorcycles.  It is probably the reason I have played EVERY Tim Schafer game ever.  It's probably the reason I have spent so much time playing video games instead of being a valuable asset to society.  I have so much to blame this game for.

Anyways, below is the letter I sent to his company, requesting (sometimes very strongly) a sequel. There are some references to the game itself in the letter, so I'll post comments (that werent part of the original letter) to help understand those references in (RED).
________________________________________________________________________


SUBJECT: Super ridiculously important message for Tim Schafer...
or the next best person with his athourity to make video games


From: Will McDonald
 stupendousman.will@gmail.com



to infopr
Preface... sorry this is long winded... but I umm.... lost Tim's personal email... because... ummm... I talk to a lot of famous people? and lose their contact info? please? Anyways, this is intended for Tim, or if he is just some patsy, (I KNEW IT!!!) please replace Tim's name for the name of whomever REALLY calls the shots around there. thanks oodles!


Dear Mr. Legendary Tim Schafer (esquire? I feel like there should be an esquire in there somewhere... because that's classy)

Chapter 1: REALLY REALLY RIDICULOUSLY GOOD INTRO
Hello, my name is Lord William McDonald II, and we have some things to discuss.  Just to start off: NO, I’m not going to “just say what I have to say CONCISELY and in a structured grammatical order”, because I really think that would “short change” the ranting which has been pent up for a while now... but mostly because I’m pretty terrible at grammar and written structure/rhetoric.  But seriously; from one “Lord” to a “Mr Legendary”... level with me for a minute:

THE REAL Chapter 1: UNNECESSARY BACKSTORY
I’m not quite sure if you know this, but there was once this “heavy metal” motorcycle game called “Full Throttle” that pretty much exploded my 10 year old brain... in a good way... if that’s possible.  My 10 year old Life goals stopped being: “becoming an astronaut”, having 7 girlfriends at a time, and world domination, and instead they turned into hell bent desires of popping wheelies (in retrospect: not quite as cool on a bicycle), forming a biker gang (don't worry, all my girlfriends could come), and world domination (but this time with motorcycles) (the game was obviously about biker gangs).  Oh, I was willing to make the necessary sacrifices: I’d move out to some post apocalyptic, Mad-Max style wasteland (the GOOD mad max movies though, not the trashy one where Tina Turner has that creepy mullet-mohawk... I mean: I have standards) ("wasteland" was the game's setting). Naturally, I would have to partake in my share of motorcycle gang fights, and ok... fine...  I was willing to stop going to elementary school so I could focus on these IMPORTANT things.

Chapter 2: CURRENT “BLOWN  OUT OF PROPORTION” LIFE/DEATH PREDICAMENT
Fast forward to the present.  It turns out, that it’s best to avoid apocalyptic wastelands like Nevada’s nuclear test sites or Bakersfield, CA...  Not ONE of the motorcycles I have built contains a pre-regulation, destroyer-class, solid-fuel recoil booster... and I have played all 3 hours of “Full Throttle” a MOL number of times (that was me testing the water with chemistry jokes. Let me know if it works or not... I also have DOS jokes, and\or LARP’ing jokes to use as backup) (the game is absurdly short).  But to this day... there has been no “Full Throttle: F*$#ING AWESOME” sequel (dibs on copywriting that title).  

Witty/Related anecdote: I have studied the mysteries of the universe: “the origins of life itself”, Quantum physics, Girls and their mood swings, but “no Full Throttle sequel?” that doesn't even make sense!  I understand that there are trivial legal matters like “ licensing rights” and “intellectual property” but surely, this is no match for a “Mr. Legendary... Esquire” (... common... you KNOW that “esquire” has a nice ring to it).  And as a 100% self-entitled “LORD”... I DEMAND to be heard and make the severity of the issue known! The world needs... no no... the UNIVERSE needs... more Full Throttle.

Chapter 3: SOLUTIONS!!!
ok, fine! I will be silenced for 20$... I take credit cards.

Chapter 4: REAL SOLUTIONS!!!
Drink whiskey... lots of whiskey... because I like the taste due to the probable lack of more “full throttle” in today’s society

Chapter 5: REALLY... REAL SOLUTIONS!!!!
Fine! so the “solutions” chapters might be a bit weak... and i’m probably going to do chapter 4 anyways... also I’m honestly a little better at pointing out problems than fixing them... but when has constructive criticism ever helped anyone? It didn't save the world from SEVEN GOD-AWFUL “Fast and the Furious” movies!!! It didn't save Mr. Lucas from 3 abominations of prequel star wars movies!!!  But speaking of Mr Lucas... I hear his former company isnt really making too many adventure games... mayhaps there is an opportunity to take over the world snatch a licence or two... mayhaps you can continue your streak of “awesome” with a sequel... mayhaps i’m really getting a kick out of the word “mayhaps”.  And don't worry: for all that “legal nonsense”: i’m prepared to put my Legal Team all over this one... at no expense* (that’s just how us “Lords” roll, I guess).

*in this scenario, the aforementioned “no expense” hereby implies Lord McDonald acquiring all ownership over everything, everywhere

Chapter 6: ABSURDLY CONVINCING CONCLUSION
I’m sure someone as legendary as yourself really doesn't need me to spell this out... but you know what i’m getting at here... you should probably bribe me for $40**, which will silence me forever***.  Ooooorrrrr we could just make another Full Freaking Throttle game (also dibbs on title royalties on THAT title...).  Don't be too taken aback by any legal hurdles, my legal team has kept VILLAINS out of prison... but now that I think about they did end up dying... but don't worry... you probably wont. :) and making this video game will probably be worth it.

**the 20 dollars was a “limited time”, chapter 3 price... you missed the “blowout sale” on silence due to the lack of timely bribing
***forever ≤ 3 days

Chapter 7: P.S.’s and Such
so, when looking for an email to send this letter to, I stumbled across your “FAQ page”... but I’m going to send this anyways... because being obnoxious is all that you have left me with.

let me know if you need a mailing address for that $100 dollars you have all but promised me.

Love,
Lord McDonald

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