Thursday, August 25, 2011

Death Breath


Breaking news, all you dental lovers out there (This means YOU, if you have teeth. And I probably DONT mean you, if you are a hillbilly... but in that case, you probably cant read anyways...).  Crest toothpaste has been mugged, teabagged, and left helpless on the side of the road.  

(In any case... my mouth takes the brunt of the pain)
If this DOESNT come as a shock to you... you may be in that "hillbilly" category that i was just talking about.  Ok, are you paying attention now that i've insulted you?  

Let me fill you in a little bit about the nature of this "CREST tyrant" that i speak of.  I'm talking about the same CREST toothpaste that emotionally scarred you (and your gums) when you ate a dill pickle and so stupidly after brushing your teeth.  CREST made you pay for thinking that your mouth was big enough for CREST and any other flavor.  You probably remember the epic battle which shook the eating world when CREST and Lemonade went head-to head for dominion over the tongue.  CREST took no prisoners.  but were we really surprised at that outcome?  We all know that CREST would probably melt the toothbrush if you left it on for too long.   



So, "what," you might ask, "could possibly do this to all powerful Crest?"

.. arch nemesiss... GARLIC.

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!! (did you see how i made
this caption interesting by adding a movie quote? do
you see how i'm making it LESS interesting by making
it too long? do you see how annoying it is to have someone
explain their entire thought process to you? Do you see how
you want to hit the guy who is writing this more than you want to
finish reading it? FASCINATING!)


This morning, Garlic and crest had a showdown.  after many involuntary facial contortions, (which i can only assume were induced by the chemical warfare that was happening in my mouth), with tears in my eyes (it was the chemical warfare... not because i'm a sissy or anything), i found that the taste that remained in my mouth wasnt the "punch you in the face" CREST... nay: it was the "i will kill any vampire within a 20 ft radius" GARLIC.  Not only has Garlic taken over my mouth/breath... but i'm starting to feel possessed, as it appears to be seeping out of my pores as well.

Normally, i would cheer at the de-throning of the evil dictator: CREST... but it seems like it was replaced by an even more evil overlord.  Needless to say: Garlic has overstepped its bounds and started encroaching on the kissing life of Will.  And this must be stopped at all costs, because kissing, (as we all know) is cool. and we must all unite to save all things cool (especially when it involves things like "paul walker protests" and Will's kissing life). 

Time to pull in the big hitters.  I plan to call my old mercinary friend "baking soda" and if that doesnt work i'm going to Napalm the enemy occupied mouth region with large quantities of jalapenos.  wish me luck, homies (yes: i dabble in gangster when i'm not too busy nerding-out)

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Totally Back, But Not Really


There is probably a good reason why I haven't written on my blog in a long time.  I just don't
know it yet.  Maybe its because I'm lazy... or maybe I've been on nerd-tures (nerd adventures... dont worry: they totally are cooler than it's spelled/sounds). 

In the time that I HAVE been gone , I have been doing many awesome nerd-ish things which may or may not have had an effect on the space time continuum.  Note: if you got a phone call from future Will, disregard everything he said.  I'm pretty sure that he (I) turned to the dark side.  odds are, I had an epic battle with Yoda, which at first sounds "not very epic".  because epic battles don't usually involve little green men the size of something that can be easily drop-kicked.   But things probably started spicing up after me and the not-drop-kickable Vader destroyed a couple more planets.  Kaboom-tures (adventures that involve blowing things up).  




anyways: space time continuum... I've created a rift... the whole world is probably going to end... bla bla bla.  To prove that I went back in time, I started leaving OBVIOUS evidence of my time-tures (time adventures).  Exhibit A: guess who put an extra "u" in continuum?  Because I knew that there would be those nay-sayers out there, like my roommate Gavin (still somehow managed to think that his nephews were cuter than mine, even though I showed him an incredibly accurate chart demonstrating otherwise.  Plus he still says this even though I have destroyed planets with Darth Vader. Now THAT is a man who goes on ball-tures... ballsy adventures.  yes: you heard me... Gavin goes on ball-tures.  As you can probably tell: our arguments always stay classy and mature), so I also decided to mess with the word "Vacuum" for absolute proof that I visited another time.  haha: just look at that abomination of a word: "Vacuum".  Just try telling me that all those 'u's weren't a practical joke that got slipped into the dictionary while some time travelling nerd drugged Noah Webster into unconsciousness.  I would also like to point out that technically I was the first person to sharpie on someones (Mr Webster's) face after slipping them too much alcohol into their fruit juice.
Let's just hope I made time travelling look
as cool as Marty McFly did. 

If you are impressed with my obvious/amazing knowledge of the space time continuum, it's probably due to the fact that I recently went through a "back to the future" marathon.  This, coupled with a "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure" double header, and a case of red bull would be juuuuust enough to get this little trip-ture (tripped out adventure) rolling.  could you immagine (damn: i forgot to put in the second "m" in immagine!!!) what type of blog i wouldave wrote if I would have been watching "Lord Of the Rings" instead?  yeah: we ALL dodged a bullet on that one.  OR DID WE?

Authors note: I have been informed by my future/evil self that we did, in fact, dodge that bullet.