Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse

If anyone is searching for deeper meaning or the hidden intrinsic value of this blog, you can stop reading... because there isnt one.  You are off the hook, you've done your due diligence and gave this post a shot for a whole 2 sentences (so far) and you are justified in moving to another page.  We will NOT be discussing  philosophic pish-posh. We ARE going to be talking about real-world "know-how" concerning the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse.

We've all seen the movies, and are quite aware of the zombie's existence.  While the zombie population still remains low, and largely underground (especially in dark subway tunnels, where most every scary-movie thing happens) there has been a recent emergence into the public. Paul Walker immediately comes to mind, while the "Twilight Saga" is still under heavy suspicion.  In any case: all the signs point to the fact that the Zombies are coming (why else would Paul Walker continue to be in new movies?).

I’ve found that because Hollywood often feeds the public misinformation (which I blame on the high zombie concentration in Hollywood), it is imperative that we set the record straight. Your life will probably one day hinge on whether or not you have a high "Zombie IQ".

So, let's just start off with the basics of what you need to know to stay alive during the Zombie Apocalypse.

When in Doubt. Don’t die. Yep, we really are starting off with square one here.  But based on the large population of people who somehow DO manage to die from an undead person who is less mobile than a paraplegic sloth in a coma, I felt that this tip was worth going over again.

Diet. Every fight is a food fight... for a zombie. Zombies live on a diet with a high concentration of "person" in it.  This is probably due to the fact that in their “alive” state, they didn’t get to eat NEARLY enough cookie dough or cheesecake.  What YOUR diet should include is a steady intake of cookie dough, which will act as a "zombie repellent" because of it's high dose of Awesome.  While on this diet, dont be surprised if you suddenly find that you know kung-fu and can do a double-backflip roundhouse kick zombies into oblivion. People will likely give you $20 bills as well.

Choose your group wisely. If you are travelling with a group of people, one person is going to get infected, and you will have to make a moral decision to throw them to the zombies. This is just a fact of the Apocalypse. People will be depressed at this hard decision.  But if you KNOW this fact, and plan ahead, you will make sure to keep someone with you that you really don’t care for, (like the person who always cuts in line, or the person who hands out parking tickets) that way, you can boost morale by throwing THEM to the zombies too. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade (if it gives you zombies, make the world a better place by getting rid of jerks).

Weapons. This is a crucial decision.  Choosing the right weapon might mean the difference between surviving to tell the tale, or becoming the living dead (kind of like what happens when your girlfriend takes you clothes shopping.

• Approved techniques of Zombie Obliteration: 

Napalm,  (Flamethrowers work well too)

Bazookas,  (so simple, even the kids in your group could use)

Guns with barrels larger than your arm, 

(when you carry something like this, you will exude the aura of "you need to respect my personal space" or "please, do not touch"... even the brain-dead zombies will understand your personal wishes when you tote a hand-cannon)

things that shoot spikes, or have blades attached... 

(this is a personal favorite among legendary zombie killers like Vlad the Zombie hater, Benson "let's kill some zombies" Bulltrue, or Santa Claus.  almost a MUST for any zombie killer. NOTE: be careful which pocket you attempt to put these in.  this was also a favorite weapon of Ansem the Terrible before he became Ansem, the Terrible Eunuch)

lasers, 

lasers are particularly effective, because you will look really cool while you are killing zombies.  Someone may even mistake you for Han Solo (which actually might make this whole zombie apocalypse/everyone dying thing worth it).  Lasers should be used in moderation though.  While lasers used in the Zombie Apocalypse will protect you from zombies, if you start carrying one around NOT during the ZA, it will only protect you from talking to women.

and any kind of spaceship

•  Things that Hollywood tells you to do, but will just get you killed and laughed at in the process: just stand there and scream for help, open handed slapping, pepper-spray, laying on the ground crying, blunt wound trauma via pillow or bag of cotton balls.

Vehicles of destruction. If you are going to want to go to the local mall to hang out at the local arcade, play your favorite tune on the jukebox,  AFTER the ZA. You are going to need a vehicle.  If you drive around a Prius, your ecological-friendly days are numbered.   If, on the other hand, you see one of THESE on the side of the road,

  you should be able to travel safely. 

Let’s go over this again.  THIS is a good choice.

 

whereas THIS 

might as well have Christmas lights and come with a fork and knife for the local neighborhood ZOMBIES.

Well: this should give you a good start… for living.  For anything I didn’t cover: resort to the first rule

References:
Resident evil (video game)
"Why zombies suck: an autobiography of THE BENSON BULTRUE" (book)
"The adventures of Vlad the Zombie Hater" (book)
"Be careful what you put in your pocket" by Ansem (memoirs)
Paul walker movies (movies... sorta)