Good Ol' Fashioned Paranoia... and Shmelsey can come too

I've got a new hobby... I have discovered the joy of a little thing called "conspiracy theories" (they are the latest craze these days).  it's a totally normal and healthy hobby.  Apparently, all you have to do, is notice something random (probably innocent), and then delusionally freak out and believe that everyone is conspiring against you!  I am working on believing in aliens... but it looks like that is an "advanced maneuver" that is reserved for the most dedicated/elite conspirators.... rest assured i'll get there one day.

Don't worry: plenty of normal/healthy people have had that hobby... right before they go crazy, start thinking that the mailman works for communist Russia, and will stop at nothing to steal their toilet seats (which they will tell you was a wedding gift from Gabriel the Archangel), and go postal at the nearest bell-tower.  but of COURSE that's crazy... because communist Russia is totally just an imaginary conspiracy.

Today's target for coincidences chalked up as conspiracy is THE MAN.  THE MAN is trying to steal my blog... that's right... you heard me... read me... whatever.  THE MAN in this case is the Fox news cooperation.  And because they are THE MAN, i'm going to take this opportunity to stick it to them.  Here, i give you exhibit A

http://www.foxnews.com/leisure/2011/05/18/best-car-survive-zombie-apocalypse/

o dear, something looks familiar: perhaps it was the blog i wrote about the zombie apocalypse back in february

http://marblesharpwill.blogspot.com/2011/02/preparing-for-zombie-apocalypse.html
(you should go ahead and click on that link a couple of times.  this will pad my blog stats and make me feel falsely warm/fuzzy about myself.  shallow, i admit, but totally worth it)

But i've gotta admit... i would totally drive one of these babies around during the Zombie Apocalypse... probably when zombies werent around too.... (does that make me a redneck? the jury is still out on that question)



Anyways, enough about Smilliam's blog insecurity...(I am a rock... but a rock that will accept pity $20 bills).  I know what you are thinking right now: what could my blog have to offer THE MAN?  It is mostly nerdy... really has no direction... is sporadically posted at best... and doesn't have a league of talented writers to bail it out when Smilliam cant think of anything good to write about.  In my opinion, this last part carries the most weight (because words are Sherpas? Sheesh: i never knew that words were so lazy).  If you were going to copy someone's stuff... 

A) why not at least steal from someone who actually knows how to write well?  seriously... for the longest time, i really didnt know what an "adverb" was... until i broke the word down into "a" and "dverb" then it made total sense to me... I was going to fail my English Class.  to further prove my point without spell check... i'd be up siht creek.

2) Dont steal from someone who is torn because while he doesnt LIKE his ideas being stolen... he DOES like that the people who stole it checked out his blog... padding his stats even more, and are turning him into a completely conceited nerd... (dangerous combination... trust me.  such a person might look like this)

D) steal from a guy who doesn't reference random movies like "home alone" in subtle ways which often go unnoticed

So, have i gone psychotic? Perhaps.  But i have read enough of Orwell's "1984" and Rey's "Curious George" saga to know that this is a classic case of Big Brother/The MAN (sometimes with a yellow hat)/Corporation/Industry/zombies/Paul walker, using their big money and evil ways to try and destroy everything i hold dear... like the electronic storage of my poorly put together word things (blog), or movies... no wait.. that one was just Paul Walker. 

If they write an article about Paul Walker... Will will be willing to overlook this whole zombie mess.

oh: and P.S.  I told Shmelsey that i would put her in my blog.  And these last 3 sentences are dedicated ENTIRELY to her...  And now i dont feel bad getting a free haircut from her because of a bet she lost to me.

Of my nephew, Of Gavin's less-cute nephew, and other un-exaggerated thoughts

Let me start off this completely unbiased blog with a completely legitimate graph that I saw some very smart people (with lab-coats and clipboards) working on.

My roommate and I had a discussion the other night.  Correction: it was more of "a statement of facts", because a "discussion" connotates that there is a back/forth dialogue.  I simply stated the fact that "my nephew was the cutest being on the face of the earth, and most likely in the known galaxy as well". Although, now that I think about it, I probably didn't say "cute".  words that were possibly used include "awesomest" "Bodatious-est" "EarthShatteringlyGoodLooking" or a variety of other made up words that would have to try to make up for the english language's insufficient adjectives for my nephew... CALLAHAN... callahan... callahan.  (yes: orchestra cymbals smash and his name echoes every time you say it)

I, being known for my un-exaggerated, down to earth, and completely logical, statements, could not have POSSIBLY expected what came next. And here comes the part that makes me think that my roommate is actually on Crack, or perhaps some derivation of LSD.  The words that came out of his mouth was "Will, MY nephew is cuter than yours".

There are certain offenses that are a part of life which I just have to accept: vegan breakfast burritos, Bakersfield California, Evil Zombie Ninjas, Paul Walker Movies, or an accidental fart in a quiet crowd during your friends graduation speech (sorry Tom). But how is a man of integrity and ethics supposed to live with a statement which implies that there is something CUTER Awesomer than my nephew? Highly speculative and terribly advanced research shows that Hitler probably wouldave implied something along similar lines... I rest my case.

This is my Nephew Cal.

I've already got his first birthday present: it's a pointy stick to keep away the ladies.  I've got a spare to give him when the one I gave him breaks from overuse. He will have to learn how to use a tazer at a young age.

It's not that I'm biased... but after being able to hold Cal, i typically just look at other babies and see this: 

Unless whoever is reading this has a child.  then, their baby of COURSE look like THIS.

the point is: Cal has officially raised the bar for all the babies out there. Actually, not just for the babies, but for EVERY cute thing out there.  example: he would make a baby seal look like it was beat with an ugly club, and then turned into a rich ladies coat. THAT is how cute we are talking here... true story

Hello.. my name is Smilliam... i'm an Ex-Video Game addict...

I’m Quitting video games.  Yep: i'm really doing it.  I’ve been clean for 15 days so far.  And now my real battle will be trying to tell my dealer (my roommate who keeps coming home with awesome video games), that I’m out for good.  Mario will have to rescue the princess on his OWN time. 

The reason? it's like a Lent thing.  but this time, the torture is going to last forever, and i cant blame it on: "everyone else is trying to be a good person, so i GUESS i will try to be one as well.".  I just came to the conclusion that I could probably be even MORE awesome at something if I didn’t play video games… like impressing the pretty ladies with “battlestar galactica” quotes.  Just kidding! I bet you thought I was SERIOUS! Everyone knows that pretty ladies like star wars more than battlestar galactica.

Oh, and I suppose that the whole “TV melting my brain” has got something to do with my reasoning as well…

Things to expect from this new and reformed (awesome) Will

·         He'll probably become a concert pianist. Or the best little-plastic-recorder-clarinet-thing EVER!!!  He may even win a gold medal in recorder playing. Oh: They’ll MAKE that an event.

·         There is a high likelihood that he’ll start up a militant hippy-ist group.  (the world needs more radically contradictive groups)

·         With all his spare time, he’ll now be able to do the same thing we do EVERY night, Pinky… TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!

·         Sunburns on Will's previously protected white skin... oh, so many sunburns.

·         expect a Will who still WANTS to swear like a sailor, but is going to be less practiced at it.  you have no idea how infuriating it is to get shot in your virtual head 32,094 times by an 8 year old from Canada.  

·         a much more educated Will who will read all sorts of literature, such as Milton's "Paradise Lost", Dante's "Inferno", and Watterson's "Calvin and Hobbes"

·         a Will who doesnt understand silly things like "the way of the samurai" because he wont be playing Bushido Blade 2 anymore. But DOES understand AWESOME things like Kung-Fu from all the Bruce Lee movies he will be watching!!! Back-flip-twist-kick, here I come. 

·         more of that coveted "hospital/ER" time due to his interest in kung-fu

·         a Will who will probably stop talking in the 3rd person... probably

·         a Will who wont drool so much when he talks to pretty ladies... (dont worry though... it was a sexy drool)

·         a Will who will be able to think of more things to put on a list like this... (and figure out how to not use so many "to"s in sentences like that... because it's kinda a mystery to me).  perhaps this Will who has everything figured out, and knows how to stop using "to"s, will also understand how to write blogs in the non-list format.

The only downside (other than the video game withdraws), is that i have this "nerd" competition with one of my friends.  This issue is going to put a major hit on my nerd points.  i used to be KILLING her in nerd ranking, and this takes away about 33.333 (repeating, of course) percent of my nerd prowess.  you may laugh now, but there is STAUNCH competition.  I'm talking about things like: she knows how to speak in one of the fictional Star Wars alien languages... yeah THAT nerdy.  one of the next questions you may be asking is "how is it that you are AHEAD of her in rankings?!?!?!" and i, of course, am going to plead the 5th.  But can assure you that it’s true.

so: I am hanging up the controller, so to speak... which is a good thing though.  I have always wanted to become a better Star Wars nerd.  Bout time for a marathon, RIGHT!?!?!?! Now that i have all this spare time, i'll do a marathon of star wars marathons! muwhahahaha... I see the nerd competition taking a drastic turn in my favor.

My next blog may be about me giving up TV in general…

What happens in the bathroom... STAYS in the bathroom. (dirty looks excluded)

I'm going to start off by saying "i have very clean hands and wash them often".  There, I said it... now we can continue. (unfortunately, this is a necessary statement... but you gotta admit... you are probably really interested in what i have to say now...)

Did you know that there are directions that you are supposed to follow when you wash your hands?  I had just assumed that there wouldnt be very many steps... in fact, that there was more than one step kinda threw me off guard.  
step one: wash em' ... ummmm go ahead... DO IT...
step two: what are you still doing here?!?! What happened in that stall that's making you feel the need to read the directions on how to cleanse yourself?

I was shocked to find out that you are actually supposed to continue lathering your hands for 30 seconds!  At first glance, this is not an alarming statement  30 seconds doesnt sound like a very long period of time... it's how long it takes my microwave to be destroyed by the fork i accidentally left in the tupperware.  but 30 seconds is a long time... i can assure you.  

Have you ever tried hugging someone for 30 seconds?  That's how you get restraining orders put up against you, or that's how you get those weird nicknames started about you in high school that never really go away.  Trying this on a police officer will get you tazed, and possibly billy-clubbed (perhaps both).  He may even call for backup, so he can beat you like an angry man who is angry, and needs to beat somebody (i know... sweet analogy, Right? all those ages analyzing an appropriate and awesome analogy... alas,  my alliterations arent as amazing as my amorous analogies).

I can’t speak for anyone else, but the act of lathering my hands for an extended period of time may leave my hands clean... but i sure do FEEL dirty.  Because, let's face it... no one WANTS to spend more time at the sink than humanly necessary.  it's a place that reminds you that: no matter how good you are at going to the bathroom, or how excellent of aim you have, no one is ever going to believe that you are SO GOOD, that you don’t even need to wash your hands.  Perhaps I’ve lost this argument before... perhaps i haven't... quit being so nosy.

Scenario one takes place in a bathroom. Let’s start of by letting you know that the bathroom is a special place for men... it's where a man can go to find peace of mind when his body is telling him “something is seriously not ok”.  It’s a place where he can take a deep breath, (typically away from the stalls), and never have to worry about catching flak for leaving the toilet seat up.  It’s a place where, if properly equipped, he can write all sorts of offensive things on the walls like "Paul Walker RULES".   

Suppose that some completely hypothetical guy named "Schmilliam" is turning on the water to wash his hands after waging chemical warfare in stall number 2, co-worker Harry walks into the bathroom to take care of business.  Harry awkwardly says "hello" (which in guy language means: i'm forced to acknowledge your existence because i work with you, but please dont speak to me for the duration of this encounter.  P.S. any sound you hear in here is inadmissible in a court of law).  

In a guy’s mind, if Shmilliam is still lathering by the time Harry gets done at the urinal... red lights are flashing.  He begins to wonder things like "maybe giving him that high-five was not a good choice" "perhaps I should put my hand down the garbage disposal, because at one point, i shook his hand".  
If Schmilliam is still there, lathering his hands, by the time Harry is leaving, Harry will have to face some heavy MORAL conundrums.  Does Harry go out on an uncomfortable limb and ask if he needs a HAZMAT chemical suit next time he uses the bathroom (which makes going to the bathroom difficult and potentially messy... trust me)? Or maybe Harry should go directly to HR with the concern that one of his co-workers might not know what toilet paper is used for.

The underlying problem is the fact that Harry (oblivious to the fact that William Scmilliam is simply following directions to wash his hands) is forced to wonder what happened in stall number two.  A man can only deal with simple questions with yes/no/42 answers like "what is the meaning to life". When faced with those other types of questions, his head may very well splode.

Now back to me, and enough of that "obviously not about me" story.  Those awkward looks from people leaving the bathroom are starting to get annoying; particularly because the weekly high-five count has dropped to a dangerously low number.  

Possible solutions include:
1) Explaining to various coworkers that they shouldn’t worry: everything went to plan inside that stall, and you are actually SUPPOSED to wash your hands for the same amount of time that a coroner does after an autopsy
2) Start staring back
3) Start rumors that I actually killed someone, so they will be too afraid to be in the bathroom at the same time

I’m just not quite sure if any of those options will really solve the "Will is a creeper" status though... in that hypothetical world.

So: smart people who hopefully pity me (as you should pity anyone who is undergoing bathroom-related problems): Suggestions about what to do about this dilemma are welcome.  

So... I melted my eyes the other day...

So... i just had laser eye surgery.  and right now i'm having trouble seeing... Literally, my screen is a white blur with a little bit of blue in it.  so i figured "ehh, who needs eyes... i'm just going write this one on emotion."  how am i doing so far? not too many misspelled words? l;kajsdfnwef adfl;jkasdl;fuj r.  how about now?

so... (yeah, i realize that i'm starting all the paragraphs the same... chalk one point up for the league of bad grammar... which i'll start as soon as i can see again)... there are 3 kinds of surgery you can have on your eyes. And I, obviously being an expert in everything, have been well informed of all three, and can reference various smart sounding medical journals to back up these tried and true FACTS.

The three types of procedures are 

1) Lasik. This is where everyone in the Eye-Blasting office floats around like angels, they touch your eyes with magical lasers, a bit of pixie dust, and in a couple hours you can see the earth's curvature and eat cookie dough to your hearts desire (or until you throw up... but generally these happen at the same time).  side effects include "eagle-eye-osis" and "awesome-x-ray-vision-itis")

2) PRK.  this involves surgically removing your eyelids for a short time, as you stare into the harnessed power of the sun for an extended period of time.  The procedure would also involve tears, but those were also burned away as they turn your eye sockets into blast furnaces.  side effects include desert-eyball-ness, Blindness, death-osis and people-laughing-at-you-for-choosing-the-wrong-procedure-itis.  

3) Scary man with icepick and hammer.  This procedure is done for free, and it also comes with complementary candy as you walk into his (the "Doctor's") van. I know you might be worried about this last one... but it's ok... it's a STERILE ice pick.  (what kind of idiot do you TAKE me for?)

What i find almost comical is that the common word around the office is "discomfort".  They were constantly telling me: "as we are destroying your cornea, you may experience some discomfort."  I couldnt help but wonder what THEY mean by discomfort?  To me, discomfort is "aww man! i've got this crazy wedgie, and i cant pick it, because i'm on a date". or "i'm playing video games and havent blinked for 3 hours".  THOSE things cause me discomfort.  i save the things like: removing my eyelids and using superman like eye lasers to melt my eyballs, to be classified under the category of: "this is what hell must be like". But it is a futuristic hell, because they implement the use of lasers to torture people.  

Let's juxtapose this with something we can all relate to.  a grain of sand in they eye, in the form of one of those annoying SAT questions.

A grain of sand in the eye is to torture as holding the wrong end of a lightsaber with your eyeball is to ______.

A) a bad juggling trick

B) saying "get away from me with that F*#@ing lightsaber you psycho"

C) Discomfort

D) Cruel and Unusual punishment (which you'd probably get 10 to life for)

E) removing your eyelids and watching a Paul Walker movie marathon

Everyone would get this answer right, because someone taking the SAT will ALWAYS choose C) when they dont know what the correct answer is.  But things that dont make logical sense like this (especially the ones that make it to those awesome standardized tests), are the types of questions that make those SAT- takers laugh with that maniacal  laugh that you'll laugh WITH, but simultaneously be a little scared for their (and your) mental and physical safety at the same time.

so... a long story short... I chose the worst kind of laser surgery.  i'm not eating cookie dough till i throw up and i'm starting to wish i would've taken the candy, and hopped into the ice-pick van.  After all, he DID tell me that he has operated on HUNDREDS of people before he'd probably be really good at it by now (if he's reading this: "borderline creepy dude: think you may want to also bribe with balloons... i definitely would've been convinced if you had balloons too).

Which brings us to the present... here i am, looking at an annoyingly bright computer screen, hitting what i believe are the right keys, feeling like i pissed off superman, and he blasted my eyes for me.  But it's ok, the lesson has been learned, and i have found the moral of the story. 

Perfect vision is worth going blind for.

do marketing people ACTUALLY know what they are doing?

just saw a UPS commercial...
'UPS will be able to successfully turn Davids into Goliaths."
There is a small chance that someone fell asleep in their Sunday school class.  The last time i checked, David killed Goliath.  not only that, but If memory serves correctly, Davie didn't only kill him... but he decapitated him after putting a rock to his dome-piece.  He did that is after he called him a sissy in front of the two entire armies.  Am i to understand that UPS is trying to make me into a Goliath? Is this something I want?  Should i be scared of UPS? Are THEY the David? Are they going to decapitate me?

i can only assume that there are very smart marketing people with smart marketing science things that involve psychology-stuff and various case studies (which apparently the study of various cases is often important when you are trying to make an irrefutable point while arguing with someone). and these smart-case-studying people have determined that the commercials that i watch on TV are best suited to speak to me on a deeper level.  On this deeper level exists complicated emotions like "William WANT".  And by "deep" level, i just mean that there is a lot of it.

The demographic that I am a part of has been studied and scrutinized to an unhealthy level and we have been deemed to be idiots.  This explains, the steady stream of commercials that are so retarded, that it makes me question my own intelligence.  After a commercial, i find myself wondering "Maybe i AM stupid! I'm sitting here, waiting for the hidden/valuable meaning behind the 30 seconds of wasted life, maybe I'm just not smart enough to understand the "Go Daddy" commercials."

You may not have seen the commercials i'm talking about, but i'm sure you know what i'm talking about. These commercials are 30 seconds long (my demographic also has ADD), and for all i know, they are not even trying to sell me anything.  The sad part is that I honestly have no idea what the company "Go Daddy" does, and i have seen about 30 of their commercials.  The easiest conclusion i can come up with is that I MUST be an imbecile if a profitable company, which is in the upper echelon of companies (they do, after all have commercials on the super bowl), spends millions upon millions of dollars on a commercial, and i just don't get it.  I mean: someone REALLY wants to tell me something and i apparently don't even speak the same language as them. 

here is a classic example.  How could something so simple be so hard to understand? it's HEAD ON.  i know This because they said it about 49 times in 20 seconds.  it's like that had an auctioneer saying it for them.  I understand how to use it... you apparently apply it directly to the head, but should i feel awkward for wondering if anyone knows WHY i should be applying it directly to my head? If someone repeated that commercial, verbatim, on the street, i would actually start to wonder if they wanted to fight with me.  "alright, punk... let's go... head on! you just TRY to apply something directly to my forehead!"

i feel like a good next commercial, would immediately follow the "head on" commercial, and be tailored to all the people who are incredibly annoyed with "head on". 

"Milwaukee hammers! apply directly to forehead! You wont have to remember the "head on" commercial after use! So good, that it is the preferred tool of serial killers everywhere!"

commercials make me feel kinda like I'm in a foreign country, and someone is yelling at you in a language that I don't understand.  All I can do is sit there and wonder: am I an idiot for not being able to understand this? or is that person an idiot for continually yelling at me even though i have no idea what he's saying?

Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse

If anyone is searching for deeper meaning or the hidden intrinsic value of this blog, you can stop reading... because there isnt one.  You are off the hook, you've done your due diligence and gave this post a shot for a whole 2 sentences (so far) and you are justified in moving to another page.  We will NOT be discussing  philosophic pish-posh. We ARE going to be talking about real-world "know-how" concerning the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse.

We've all seen the movies, and are quite aware of the zombie's existence.  While the zombie population still remains low, and largely underground (especially in dark subway tunnels, where most every scary-movie thing happens) there has been a recent emergence into the public. Paul Walker immediately comes to mind, while the "Twilight Saga" is still under heavy suspicion.  In any case: all the signs point to the fact that the Zombies are coming (why else would Paul Walker continue to be in new movies?).

I’ve found that because Hollywood often feeds the public misinformation (which I blame on the high zombie concentration in Hollywood), it is imperative that we set the record straight. Your life will probably one day hinge on whether or not you have a high "Zombie IQ".

So, let's just start off with the basics of what you need to know to stay alive during the Zombie Apocalypse.

When in Doubt. Don’t die. Yep, we really are starting off with square one here.  But based on the large population of people who somehow DO manage to die from an undead person who is less mobile than a paraplegic sloth in a coma, I felt that this tip was worth going over again.

Diet. Every fight is a food fight... for a zombie. Zombies live on a diet with a high concentration of "person" in it.  This is probably due to the fact that in their “alive” state, they didn’t get to eat NEARLY enough cookie dough or cheesecake.  What YOUR diet should include is a steady intake of cookie dough, which will act as a "zombie repellent" because of it's high dose of Awesome.  While on this diet, dont be surprised if you suddenly find that you know kung-fu and can do a double-backflip roundhouse kick zombies into oblivion. People will likely give you $20 bills as well.

Choose your group wisely. If you are travelling with a group of people, one person is going to get infected, and you will have to make a moral decision to throw them to the zombies. This is just a fact of the Apocalypse. People will be depressed at this hard decision.  But if you KNOW this fact, and plan ahead, you will make sure to keep someone with you that you really don’t care for, (like the person who always cuts in line, or the person who hands out parking tickets) that way, you can boost morale by throwing THEM to the zombies too. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade (if it gives you zombies, make the world a better place by getting rid of jerks).

Weapons. This is a crucial decision.  Choosing the right weapon might mean the difference between surviving to tell the tale, or becoming the living dead (kind of like what happens when your girlfriend takes you clothes shopping.

• Approved techniques of Zombie Obliteration: 

Napalm,  (Flamethrowers work well too)

Bazookas,  (so simple, even the kids in your group could use)

Guns with barrels larger than your arm, 

(when you carry something like this, you will exude the aura of "you need to respect my personal space" or "please, do not touch"... even the brain-dead zombies will understand your personal wishes when you tote a hand-cannon)

things that shoot spikes, or have blades attached... 

(this is a personal favorite among legendary zombie killers like Vlad the Zombie hater, Benson "let's kill some zombies" Bulltrue, or Santa Claus.  almost a MUST for any zombie killer. NOTE: be careful which pocket you attempt to put these in.  this was also a favorite weapon of Ansem the Terrible before he became Ansem, the Terrible Eunuch)

lasers, 

lasers are particularly effective, because you will look really cool while you are killing zombies.  Someone may even mistake you for Han Solo (which actually might make this whole zombie apocalypse/everyone dying thing worth it).  Lasers should be used in moderation though.  While lasers used in the Zombie Apocalypse will protect you from zombies, if you start carrying one around NOT during the ZA, it will only protect you from talking to women.

and any kind of spaceship

•  Things that Hollywood tells you to do, but will just get you killed and laughed at in the process: just stand there and scream for help, open handed slapping, pepper-spray, laying on the ground crying, blunt wound trauma via pillow or bag of cotton balls.

Vehicles of destruction. If you are going to want to go to the local mall to hang out at the local arcade, play your favorite tune on the jukebox,  AFTER the ZA. You are going to need a vehicle.  If you drive around a Prius, your ecological-friendly days are numbered.   If, on the other hand, you see one of THESE on the side of the road,

  you should be able to travel safely. 

Let’s go over this again.  THIS is a good choice.

 

whereas THIS 

might as well have Christmas lights and come with a fork and knife for the local neighborhood ZOMBIES.

Well: this should give you a good start… for living.  For anything I didn’t cover: resort to the first rule

References:
Resident evil (video game)
"Why zombies suck: an autobiography of THE BENSON BULTRUE" (book)
"The adventures of Vlad the Zombie Hater" (book)
"Be careful what you put in your pocket" by Ansem (memoirs)
Paul walker movies (movies... sorta)