Funny Friends, and Funny Friends’ Fatherdom

Let’s just start off by taking the time to admire that sweet alliteration of a title.

Ok: back to reality.

I have some funny friends, (as I’m sure we all do) but maybe I’m not using an “all encompassing” enough term for “funny”… but since I don’t know that many words... (I blame this on being an engineer) I looked up synonyms in the Thesaurus: convivial (sounded too latin), FROLICSOME (hahaha… kinda gives the impression that I run through fields of daisies with my friends), gay (not put up for obvious reasons), jocular (I feel like this one is the dictionary nerds getting back at the jocks who made fun of them in school), rollicking (reminds me of frolicking, but with rocks… I feel like I’d break a bone or something if I was “rollicking” with my friends), side splitting (kinda weird), gut busting (even weirder), uproarious (wow, using THIS one would have made me look smart)… well: you get the picture.

The point is: I have friends that literally make me laugh so hard I pee my pants. Which is a funny thing to say if we all understand that “literally” makes this sentence mean: I’m not messing around… I really just stood here and laughed as the pee came out. But I’m lying: I’ve literally never done that (so we can still be friends, right?). Side note: I’d hate to think of what “literally gut-busting” is… ugg.

Some of my friends make me laugh so hard and on such a regular basis, that I’m beginning to suspect that they use some sort of drugs, or dark art that brings me back to the day when fart jokes were the pinnacle of all humor, and would leave me laughing for 30 minutes. It’s like they’ve found my “funny” button, and are recklessly pushing it like some jerk that just got that “THAT WAS EASY” button from staples, and pushes it for every mundane task, in the cube right next to you, until you secretly dismantle that stupid button and blame it on the other coworkers that are playing pranks on him… but it’s worse, because the staples button just gets you annoyed on command… the funny button turns you into a laughing schoolchild on command. This can often happen when you would rather not laughing uncontrollably like a schoolchild… like when you’re family is saying grace for the thanksgiving dinner, or when you are taking your calculus final, or when you are in a public restroom stall (I know, this doesn’t sound that bad, but trust me, it is).

So, one of those friends wrote me a little diddy (which usually comes in song form, but this is MY blog, and I make the rules), and this diddy is awesome… so I’m posting it.

As a recent member of fatherdom I feel that my lens on life has
shifted quite drastically. My entire thought process has been adjusted
by this little 9 lb. miniature person who apparently now rules my
life’s schedule. A real dictator if you will. Because of this
miraculous little infant I am now able to examine my life from two
distinct eras: pre-kid and post-kid. The changes in how I view and
interact with the world in those two eras are incredibly different.
Below is a scenario that helps illustrate this very point.

Pre-kid me has a conversation with, let’s say, Will.

Will- “Man, I slept like a baby last night’
Me- “Nice. You do look well rested.”
End of discussion.

Post- kid me- same topic
Will- “Man, I slept like a baby last night.”
Dan- “Aww man, I’m sorry. I haven’t been getting much sleep lately either.”
Will- “What are you talking about?:
Dan- “You just said you slept like a baby.”
Will- “I did sleep like a baby.”
Dan- “Right. So you got like 4 hours of sleep max, waking up every
hour minimum to cry or pee yourself,….”
Will- “what in the world..??”
Dan- “yeah, screaming.. poopin’.. yearning for some nice warm …:
Will- “dude, what are you talking about..?”
Dan” Baby sleep man….ohh,…that’s right…you don’t have kids.”
Will- “No, I don’t…not that I know of any.(just kidding J’
Dan- “okay- well, for the sanity of those of us who do, why don’t you
re-phrase your cute little saying to something more age appropriate.
Like, “man,! I slept like a freaking full grown adult last night…who
doesn’t have kids, or nightmares, or a small bladder for that matter…”

And then I beat Will at foosball….

Beat me at foosball… see!?!?!?! He’s funny! He creates such elaborate fantasies, and then forgets the fact that I beat him so bad in foosball that the tears came out.

Thanks Dan!!!