A guide to dating… the nerd way… or the “will” way… I don’t know if even nerds want credit in this

Well, it’s that time of year when all the kids are going back to school, and all us working folk are still depressed. Well: I gotta admit, it's getting better for us working folk, because now we dont have to be pissed at all the students for being on their summer vacations. (can i get an "amen"?).

well: that was a useless intro. it has nothing to do with dating. i just want everyone to know how bitter i am that i dont get summer vacations.

Now: on to business. Dating. everyone does it, but for some reason... the majority of people in the world rarely escape a catastrophic moment of dating goodness. The best way for me to describe it is something like: John ran to Jamie through the field of dasies like a train leaving from clevland at 75 miles per hour while Jamie left from Chicago at... you get the picture (probably). The moral of the story is that two trains are headed for eachother... and good dates happen when the trains dont leave a smoldering ruin of body parts everywhere.

Ive compiled a short list of "do's" and "donts" to help with the wreckage (and to keep the body count to a minimum). Unfortunately, a majority of these have come from personal train wreck experiences. Well: i'll be honest... perhaps it was more like: near social meltdowns, or those creepy stories that people start telling when they are trying to explain how they became a recluse.

1) remember the persons name. yeah: i'm starting at the basics... but trust me: things start to get a little awkward when you are trying to introduce your date to your roommate. "Dan! So glad you are home! I'd like you to meet... umm..." and after that, it doesnt matter if you cant remember for 3 minutes, or 3 seconds... you have just torn a hole in the date-relationship continuum, and the effects can be immediately felt by all. It is normal to expect your mom to call, and start asking you what kind of son (or daughter, i guess) she raised that you would forget the name of your date. (side note: no emotional scars were developed in the making of this blog… probably)

2) dont ever under ANY circumstances guess their age. This question is merely a trap, because there is absolutely no right answer to this question. Let's just say there is this girl who asks some guy she is on a date with (you have probably never met this guy... a guy who probably never writes blogs... but he sounds pretty awesome, right?), anyways, she asks him: "how old do you think i am?" when someone asks you this question, hit the eject button which sends your cockpit seat flying through the air, away from the plane which is about to blow up. If you answer this question guessing too young, you are obviously insulting their intelligence and maturity (you might have well said that they were 4.5 years old). if you guess too old... you will probably receive a look similar to that of a puppy after you tell it that dogs age 7 times faster than people. that panging feeling in your chest? that's guilt... because the other person is making you trip on it. the only way to make it out of that situation unscathed, is to guess the persons age... EXACTLY... year, month, date, and time of birth. and if you could do that... you might as well be a carnie... because if you CAN do that, you should be getting paid for it.

3) It's the simple little things that count. I know how much we all want to brag about awesome huge things that we have done, like doing over 1000 push ups... or climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro, (lets see: what is the girl version of something awesomely huge... in an effort to keep this "reader-friendly" for all. ummm how about... something mushy like being able to watch "the Notebook" while going on an all day shopping spree) But as much as we want to try and duplicate those hollywood movie moments, (you know, where the dove flies down and drops a ring in a champagne glass while a guy is pouring it, as fireworks are going off in the background... in a sweet spaceship (sorry girls... i have to keep the guys entertained too). as much as we try to duplicate those moments, it is the little things, like getting a girl a flower, when she isnt expecting it, even though nothing special is going on, or a girl kissing a guy on the cheek (PG13 blog here) for no good reason, other than to kiss him on the cheek. It's the little things that leave the big impressions, and tell you what kind of person someone really is.

4) never show them any lists/blogs that you make about dating people. i actually havent done this one... but do me a favor, and keep this on the down low... especially if i'm dating anyone at the time. the consequences could be dire (for BOTH of us)... i mean: i watch Kung-Fu movies... i know how to do three back flips and kick someone at the same time. Aaaaaaaannnnd: i just threatened my audience, and empowered them with a bargaining chip over me... awesome.

5) Down with that stupid rule "wait for 6 days to call someone". what a load of crap! If you actually like someone, give them a call! if you actually want to make someone’s therapist work REALLY hard for a living: wait a couple days to call them. just do the person a favor, and give them some aspirin and a hammer for the headache you have been giving them while you were waiting. To the person who was waiting... it's a bit more like a root canal (except the dentist actually TRIES to have a deep conversation with you, for some reason, when he is elbow deep in your mouth, which is a bit more bedside manner than the head-games person). life is short... and even then, it is filled with enough bad dates, so why waste it on someone who you dont actually want to call for another week?

6) girls + video games = explosions. it's like a solar flare, or why the sky is blue, or why 2+2=4... it just is. a couple people know the reason... but i think the government locked them up and is using them to make whatever is worse than a nuclear bomb...(the people who are REALLY reigning havoc down on the world... like the inventor of TWITTER). but mark my words: do not mix those two. if, by some fortuitous event of fate brings a guy to a girl who doesnt explode when the word "video-game" is brought up into ordinary conversation, here is my advice to the guy "skip this whole stupid dating thing... just marry her... you have found the ONE" (elope tomorrow if she likes shooting guns)... but skip town if this video game/gun woman starts stalking you or getting any postal tendencies... you may also have to change your name/social security number...

7) dont give them your social security number. the last sentence in 6 made me think of this one. i know they are probably SUPER good looking, and it just feels like the right thing to do... but fight the urge... because you are wrong. it is the NOT-right thing to do.

8) Tattoos of people/names. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m gonna go ahead and “tattooing a date’s name” on yourself a bad move… extra bonus crazy points if you get a picture of the person too

9) Keep the phone messages short and sweet. Really. I know that there is so much to say… I know that if you mess up your phone conversation, you are going to be tempted to explain it, and then explain what you REALLY meant to say, but it’s like loosing your keys in a pool of molten lava: you have to let them go, because man… they are gone. A bad phone message says “hi: I’m a psychopath” and gives the hint of “come into my van… I have candy (but its not even good candy… it’s like those crappy peanut butter taffy’s at Halloween)” all at the same time.

10) Confidence goes a long way. You’ll be surprised at what you can actually get away with if you are just confident in your delivery. It’s a strange phenomenon which can right a ridiculous amount of wrongs. This tool is especially useful at those times when you put your foot in your mouth, or do something impressively stupid. Two OBVIOUSLY hypothetical situations come to mind about a “pretend” guy named… ummm… “Billiam”

a) Billiam is on a sweet date, taking a girl to the local arcade, where they can listen to the jukebox all night long. He tells her “so, tell me what Hawaii is like” she says, slightly concerned “Wait… how did you know I went to Hawaii?!?!?!” ok, this is decision time… Billiam knows she went to Hawaii, because about 5 min. after he met this girl, he facebook stalked her… the same exact thing that 95% of the population would do, given a name, and too much free time. The other 5% is Amish. The only way to recover from something like this is for him to call her Amish (trust me, not a good option), or to explain “I looked you up on the BOOK” in the same way you would say: “umm: YA… I did my laundry the other day” with a slight attitude of “oh, you DIDN’T do your laundry?”.

b) Billiam sees a pretty girl that he knows on campus as he is riding his bicycle. As he is waving to her he crashes his bicycle in the middle of a busy school intersection. I mean: think of the “Waynes World” girl who had to wear a neck brace after smashing into the parked car. Fearing that Billiam has ACTUALLY died, due to the horrific nature of his spill… she runs over to the poor soul who is actually stuck in his own bicycle. “oh, hey tiffany… I thought we could have a more down to earth conversation over here… right on the pavement”. Later that night: I got cookies from tiffany… and yes: they were incredible (granted, everything is incredible after you are forcing yourself to “run from the light at the end of the tunnel”). Wait: I mean: HYPOTHETICALLY they were amazing cookies… for the sake of the story of course.

Well, now that I’ve fueled my friends with enough ammunition to blast me for the next year… I’m going to stop. In the end, my biggest opinion is that actually being with the right person makes up for all those train wreck experiences, and you may have to kiss a few toads to find your prince(ess). And I’ll never give someone a hard time for at least trying to try their hand at dating, because at least they are giving it a shot. So: if you too have any awesome (awesomely brutal) dating stories, let me know!

O yeah: one more… always end your messages/emails with “love” instead of “sincerely”. Sincerely says: “after you sign these liability forms, we can start dating”. Love says: “yeah, I maybe crazy, but at least It’ll be exciting! I might even buy you some bling”

Love,

Will

Ps. Yes, this means I’m trying to date you (and I only put in that last paragraph so I could write THIS for an ending, instead of that crappy conclusion I had up there J )