I'm going to start off by saying "i have very clean hands and wash them often". There, I said it... now we can continue. (unfortunately, this is a necessary statement... but you gotta admit... you are probably really interested in what i have to say now...)
Did you know that there are directions that you are supposed to follow when you wash your hands? I had just assumed that there wouldnt be very many steps... in fact, that there was more than one step kinda threw me off guard.
step one: wash em' ... ummmm go ahead... DO IT...
step two: what are you still doing here?!?! What happened in that stall that's making you feel the need to read the directions on how to cleanse yourself?
I was shocked to find out that you are actually supposed to continue lathering your hands for 30 seconds! At first glance, this is not an alarming statement 30 seconds doesnt sound like a very long period of time... it's how long it takes my microwave to be destroyed by the fork i accidentally left in the tupperware. but 30 seconds is a long time... i can assure you.
Have you ever tried hugging someone for 30 seconds? That's how you get restraining orders put up against you, or that's how you get those weird nicknames started about you in high school that never really go away. Trying this on a police officer will get you tazed, and possibly billy-clubbed (perhaps both). He may even call for backup, so he can beat you like an angry man who is angry, and needs to beat somebody (i know... sweet analogy, Right? all those ages analyzing an appropriate and awesome analogy... alas, my alliterations arent as amazing as my amorous analogies).
I can’t speak for anyone else, but the act of lathering my hands for an extended period of time may leave my hands clean... but i sure do FEEL dirty. Because, let's face it... no one WANTS to spend more time at the sink than humanly necessary. it's a place that reminds you that: no matter how good you are at going to the bathroom, or how excellent of aim you have, no one is ever going to believe that you are SO GOOD, that you don’t even need to wash your hands. Perhaps I’ve lost this argument before... perhaps i haven't... quit being so nosy.
Did you know that there are directions that you are supposed to follow when you wash your hands? I had just assumed that there wouldnt be very many steps... in fact, that there was more than one step kinda threw me off guard.
step one: wash em' ... ummmm go ahead... DO IT...
step two: what are you still doing here?!?! What happened in that stall that's making you feel the need to read the directions on how to cleanse yourself?
I was shocked to find out that you are actually supposed to continue lathering your hands for 30 seconds! At first glance, this is not an alarming statement 30 seconds doesnt sound like a very long period of time... it's how long it takes my microwave to be destroyed by the fork i accidentally left in the tupperware. but 30 seconds is a long time... i can assure you.
Have you ever tried hugging someone for 30 seconds? That's how you get restraining orders put up against you, or that's how you get those weird nicknames started about you in high school that never really go away. Trying this on a police officer will get you tazed, and possibly billy-clubbed (perhaps both). He may even call for backup, so he can beat you like an angry man who is angry, and needs to beat somebody (i know... sweet analogy, Right? all those ages analyzing an appropriate and awesome analogy... alas, my alliterations arent as amazing as my amorous analogies).
I can’t speak for anyone else, but the act of lathering my hands for an extended period of time may leave my hands clean... but i sure do FEEL dirty. Because, let's face it... no one WANTS to spend more time at the sink than humanly necessary. it's a place that reminds you that: no matter how good you are at going to the bathroom, or how excellent of aim you have, no one is ever going to believe that you are SO GOOD, that you don’t even need to wash your hands. Perhaps I’ve lost this argument before... perhaps i haven't... quit being so nosy.
Scenario one takes place in a bathroom. Let’s start of by letting you know that the bathroom is a special place for men... it's where a man can go to find peace of mind when his body is telling him “something is seriously not ok”. It’s a place where he can take a deep breath, (typically away from the stalls), and never have to worry about catching flak for leaving the toilet seat up. It’s a place where, if properly equipped, he can write all sorts of offensive things on the walls like "Paul Walker RULES".
Suppose that some completely hypothetical guy named "Schmilliam" is turning on the water to wash his hands after waging chemical warfare in stall number 2, co-worker Harry walks into the bathroom to take care of business. Harry awkwardly says "hello" (which in guy language means: i'm forced to acknowledge your existence because i work with you, but please dont speak to me for the duration of this encounter. P.S. any sound you hear in here is inadmissible in a court of law).
In a guy’s mind, if Shmilliam is still lathering by the time Harry gets done at the urinal... red lights are flashing. He begins to wonder things like "maybe giving him that high-five was not a good choice" "perhaps I should put my hand down the garbage disposal, because at one point, i shook his hand".
If Schmilliam is still there, lathering his hands, by the time Harry is leaving, Harry will have to face some heavy MORAL conundrums. Does Harry go out on an uncomfortable limb and ask if he needs a HAZMAT chemical suit next time he uses the bathroom (which makes going to the bathroom difficult and potentially messy... trust me)? Or maybe Harry should go directly to HR with the concern that one of his co-workers might not know what toilet paper is used for.
The underlying problem is the fact that Harry (oblivious to the fact that William Scmilliam is simply following directions to wash his hands) is forced to wonder what happened in stall number two. A man can only deal with simple questions with yes/no/42 answers like "what is the meaning to life". When faced with those other types of questions, his head may very well splode.
Now back to me, and enough of that "obviously not about me" story. Those awkward looks from people leaving the bathroom are starting to get annoying; particularly because the weekly high-five count has dropped to a dangerously low number.
Possible solutions include:
1) Explaining to various coworkers that they shouldn’t worry: everything went to plan inside that stall, and you are actually SUPPOSED to wash your hands for the same amount of time that a coroner does after an autopsy
2) Start staring back
3) Start rumors that I actually killed someone, so they will be too afraid to be in the bathroom at the same time
I’m just not quite sure if any of those options will really solve the "Will is a creeper" status though... in that hypothetical world.
So: smart people who hopefully pity me (as you should pity anyone who is undergoing bathroom-related problems): Suggestions about what to do about this dilemma are welcome.
supper funny, although, I have no suggestions
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