There comes a crossroads in a person's life when they must ponder about deep and profound brain things like: "Where did I come from?", "Is there a God?", "why is Paul Walker still a movie star?" and "what practical purpose does a nerd have in my everyday life?”
The existence of nerds, and their abstruse impact on life as we know it, is a well-documented phenomenon. Mostly known for their "drooling while talking to girls" style, and amazing fashion sense (often consisting of moon boots), their importance in society must be bigger than "they make casual observers feel awkward when they try hitting on girls". But i can conclusively say that i have found yet another reason why to cement the nerd's claim to future domination of the world. Nerds can use abstract (code for useless) thought train (code for ADD) to explore the vast expanses of the impossible, and inform people when THEIR daydreams are idiotic and in need of being crushed.
You would think that the question of "what superpower would you want?" would be a harmless “I’m-trying-to-be-friends” type question. But you would be wrong. It's not. To a nerd this question is interpreted as "let me give you the nerd equivalent of slapping you in the face". The way nerds see it: dreams need to be crushed. This world of superpowers is the nerd’s magical realm... and nerds are very territorial. You are NOT invited to the party.
Yes it's true: Nerds can crush dreams. According to ancient nerd-lore: nerds are the guardians of the homeostasis (see?!?!?! Chemistry class ACTUALLY taught me something) in the known universe today. If not for nerds, people would run around with wild abandon and completely idiotic dreams. These people need to be crushed. Obviously, based on this bullet proof logic, crushing dreams is totally justified.
Common dream the nerd world feels the need to crush: How the super power that you THINK is cool is actually going to get you dominated (either via Villain with 1/2 a brain/body, or by simple laws of physics)
Let the crushing begin.
X-Ray Vision: People don’t often realize this at first, but there are some things that you can’t un-see. There are some barriers that are put up for our eye's protection... like bathroom stall doors. You will never look at a person the same way when you witness firsthand what they REALLY had to go through to overcome their food poisoning. Imagine all the Butt tattoos that you'd see that would sear its image into your brain. People focus too much on the things they DO want to see and not enough on the things they DONT.
SUPERPOWER CRUSHED
Heart (from captain planet):
This poor fool. What sick cartoonist decided to pit a worthless superpower like "heart" against the evils of the world? Tell it to me straight, was this serious? Was someone high when they came up with this superpower?
Last time i checked: when a heart has tried to battle a bullet, flying at super-sonic speeds out of a gun, or a ninja star, or heck, even too much CAFFEINE... the heart lost. This super power is, in fact, so worthless that I’m having a hard time figuring out who your arch-nemesis would be. A donut? To add insult to injury, the rest of the gang had ACTUAL superpowers, like: causing earthquakes: a power solely reserved for the Greek god Poseidon himself. One of his buddies commanded FIRE. I think someone was sending the wrong message when they are trying to convince kids that you only need the power "heart" to overcome supreme destructive forces. Try seeing how much heart you have when the Fire dude turns you into a human candle.
SUPERPOWER CRUSHED
PS: this is a picture of the kid who had "heart" as a power. what does "hidden knowledge" mean? to me this means "worthless knowledge" or is code for "i actually dont know, so i'm going to call it 'hidden'". Jim failed his test because his knowledge was "hidden"... if he put it on the paper... it would defy the conspicuous nature of the knowledge. Jim may find that he will also fail at LIFE.
Flying (anti-gravity): Let's assume that your super power DOESNT involve "i am now a human jet” because aside from the OBVIOUS hassle of the FAA requiring you to have yourself constantly inspected (including cavity search... yeah: they are THAT thorough), where do you expect to land? You think your LEGS are going to stop you as you come crash landing at 120+ MPH? Plus: the ridicule of looking like a human jet would take its toll. I, for one, would be merciless in my laughter at the one and only airplane man (you might call me heartless, but remember... HOMEOSTASIS).
So: instead let’s assume that you just operate on Anti-Gravity. Cool... the earth/universe no longer attracts you like it does everything else (yes: the universe just wouldn’t be attracted to you... it just got personal). This means that the second you flip that superpower you will be sitting still watching as the UNIVERSE expands away from you at the speed of light. You thought you were going to skip traffic... now you are worrying about what happens when you collide with a neutron star at the speed of light.
SUPERPOWER CRUSHED (along with the rest of your body)
Time Travel:
I would try to give you my best Stephen Hawking explanation of why the best use of this impossible super-power would be going to the time you thought of having this power and slapping yourself.... but I’m not going to do that, because it just isn’t worth it if i can’t use my crippled/robotic voice.
SUPERPOWER CRUSHED (hopefully before you thought of wanting this superpower... effectively avoiding a universe splintering time paradox)
Mind Reading:
"it'd be so awesome to know what he/she is thinking right now" is a common phrase. Saying the aforementioned statement is a good way to have the collective Borg-like nerd universe laughing at you in eerie unison. People’s thoughts belong inside their skull, but not for THEIR protection... but YOURS. Let’s put this simply. With this power, you had better steer clear of prisons. It's either that, or you are going to end up so mind-violated (note: this is an "all gender encompassing" statement) that even Freud himself wouldn't be able to make you a functional part of society again. I can just see poor Professor X having relapses each time he hears the song "jailhouse rock".SUPERPOWER CRUSHED
Spinach making you a muscle man: If this isn’t the cruelest trick that parents ever played on their kids, i don’t know what is. Correction: maybe if a parent was to tell their kid that Disneyland burned down and wasn’t coming back... and then threw their ice cream cone onto the ground (and then said that that was the last ice cream cone in the world). But this is close second. Essentially, your super power is: the ability to be duped into believing anything. Congrats: you are a super con-man victim. Well, i guess the super villains need SOMEONE to destroy/take advantage of.
SUPERPOWER CRUSHED.
Mr. Fantastic (the stretchy/worthless man from Fantastic 4). Yes: we are talking about the stretchy guy. The only REAL super power you'd have here is the ability to slow down your brain functions enough to come up with an absolute abomination for a super hero name.
So you can STRETCH?!?!?! so can my gum and only get worried when i swallow it and realize that it’s going to spend 7 years in my digestive system. Gumby was stretchy, and I’m pretty sure i didn’t see him striking fear into any super-villains. Actually, that is probably WHY they became super villains: if this is the best that superhero's had to offer... why NOT take whatever you wanted? Beating the stretch out of Gumby is better exercise and cheaper than a gym membership.
SUPERPOWER CRUSHED
I hope this helps. That is: helps hinder your imagination and continue to keep the nerd realm free of 'normies' (the common nerd-term for normal people)
Love,
Will
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