Death Breath

Breaking news, all you dental lovers out there (This means YOU, if you have teeth. And I probably DONT mean you, if you are a hillbilly... but in that case, you probably cant read anyways...).  Crest toothpaste has been mugged, teabagged, and left helpless on the side of the road.  

(In any case... my mouth takes the brunt of the pain)

If this DOESNT come as a shock to you... you may be in that "hillbilly" category that i was just talking about.  Ok, are you paying attention now that i've insulted you?  

Let me fill you in a little bit about the nature of this "CREST tyrant" that i speak of.  I'm talking about the same CREST toothpaste that emotionally scarred you (and your gums) when you ate a dill pickle and so stupidly after brushing your teeth.  CREST made you pay for thinking that your mouth was big enough for CREST and any other flavor.  You probably remember the epic battle which shook the eating world when CREST and Lemonade went head-to head for dominion over the tongue.  CREST took no prisoners.  but were we really surprised at that outcome?  We all know that CREST would probably melt the toothbrush if you left it on for too long.   

So, "what," you might ask, "could possibly do this to all powerful Crest?"

.. arch nemesiss... GARLIC.

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!! (did you see how i made
this caption interesting by adding a movie quote? do
you see how i'm making it LESS interesting by making
it too long? do you see how annoying it is to have someone
explain their entire thought process to you? Do you see how
you want to hit the guy who is writing this more than you want to
finish reading it? FASCINATING!)

This morning, Garlic and crest had a showdown.  after many involuntary facial contortions, (which i can only assume were induced by the chemical warfare that was happening in my mouth), with tears in my eyes (it was the chemical warfare... not because i'm a sissy or anything), i found that the taste that remained in my mouth wasnt the "punch you in the face" CREST... nay: it was the "i will kill any vampire within a 20 ft radius" GARLIC.  Not only has Garlic taken over my mouth/breath... but i'm starting to feel possessed, as it appears to be seeping out of my pores as well.

Normally, i would cheer at the de-throning of the evil dictator: CREST... but it seems like it was replaced by an even more evil overlord.  Needless to say: Garlic has overstepped its bounds and started encroaching on the kissing life of Will.  And this must be stopped at all costs, because kissing, (as we all know) is cool. and we must all unite to save all things cool (especially when it involves things like "paul walker protests" and Will's kissing life). 

Time to pull in the big hitters.  I plan to call my old mercinary friend "baking soda" and if that doesnt work i'm going to Napalm the enemy occupied mouth region with large quantities of jalapenos.  wish me luck, homies (yes: i dabble in gangster when i'm not too busy nerding-out)