Tis the season... to suck at giving things to people

 Ok, so it's that time of year again... when you have to buy presents for everyone.  Yes, this long dreaded season has approached us (or maybe just ME. i hope i'm not recklessly throwing you into the same category as me. i hope this, because you wont be offended that i'm doing it anyways) 

The reason for the real carnal fear of my well being is that I suck at buying presents.  i'm not quite sure how exactly this speaks of my nature, but i'm fairly positive that it isnt a good thing.  Christmas is that time of year where we sort through the people who can actually stand Will and his crappy gifts, and the people who just want to kill him because of his oblivious-gift-giving nature.  Needless to say, it's an emotional time for us all...

I've pretty much had every bad present experience you can think of... and still havent quite learned how to be good at buying presents.  ive bought the "too expensive of a present" at the gift exchange (and the "too cheap" as well).  I've been on both sides of the re-gifting battlefield. I've both bought and received gifts OBVIOUSLY from a gift store (but at least i TRIED to scratch the little price sticker off the broken record player).... ive tried it all, and have come to the conclusion: i suck at this whole "present" thing.

Basically, i've come to the understanding that presents are the most efficient way to tell someone how little you know about them. This is precisely why those "white elephant" parties are so effective.  everyone has realized that they have no idea what anyone else actually wants, and just spends $5 randomly, while praying that their present isnt the most hated of all (because we all know that secretly, that is a clear indication that your presents are on the BOTTOM of the present food chain. as in: if other people's presents were in the wild, they would go out of their way to eat your present.  your present is the equivalent of that "cant run so well/weak" animal on the discovery channel that you always hope can run just a little bit faster, but never can)

I COULD take the "i've already given up on this present route" and have the receipt stapled to the box (careful tho... more staples, especially on a small receipt will let everyone know about your frustration/desperation, and the psychosis of a desperate gift shopper might undermine the holiday cheer for everyone else).  but even this is essentially a loss already.  it's saying "heck: i have no idea if this is actually what you want, but maybe if i show you how much i paid for it, you'll HAVE to at least try to be nice to me."  in the end, i've decided that this method doesnt really crystallize the  "holiday cheer" i was going for to begin with.

I suppose if i was REALLY desparate, i could just hand someone a wad of cash.  the real thing that keeps me from doing this is the fact that i'm pretty sure i'd be totally exposed as a gift imbecile.  Also, it would kinda give me the feeling of "wow... i'm trying to purchase my friends' love" The real problem with this is the fact that i just dont have enough money to make it work for very long.

and having a guy shop for a girl is ESPECIALLY dangerous. and we are not talking about "emotional scars" type of dangerous... more of the "oh gee, i stepped on a land mine" type of dangerous.

yes, i am writing this KNOWING that every girl is going to disagree with me, and tell me how hard it is for girls to get guys stuff.  i'm gonna go ahead and call shenanigans on that one (ps: in all actuality, i'm just really excited that i got to use the word shenanigans in writing. and it was also pretty surprising that spell check was actually able to tell me i misspelled it at first. i dont think people understand how hard it is to actually use words like "shenanigans" or "bodatious" in an actual cohesive sentence.  you might just find that your sentences are 100x more fun, and people will begin to perceive you as an "innovative verbal trend setter" instead of "boring sentence man".  they may even give you $20). 

Shopping for guys is EASY (as easy as secretly laughing at someone's face as they are having a temper tantrum, or making fun of Paul Walker's acting skills).  look at something they use every day, get a better one (which will probably have some sort of laser attached) and give it to them.  BAM, you have a slam dunk present.  He may even ask you to marry him. 

Guys go through this same process when thinking about how to get some slam dunk present for a girl.  for all he knows, if he plays his cards right, he might even get a kiss on the cheek out of the whole deal (i think this might be why guys sometimes spend 100's of dollars on a gift). his thought process:  "oh, i see that she likes clothes... i'll get her some clothes".  what is actually happening, he just doesnt know it: "ooh! look at this fire! let's play with it"

warning to guys: you will go to some sort of christmas present hell, should you make this move. I had a buddy once who got clothes for his girlfriend.  and that was the end of my buddy.  they SAY he accidentally shot himself 47 times with a machine gun as he was cleaning it... but i dunno, i suspect foul play.  This present would be like a checkmate, connect four, jenga, hari kari, and Yahtzee all in one (hari kari, because you actually did it to yourself). 
here are a list of possible present mistakes, and how they would get you into trouble

mistake: you buy her clothes that are a size too small
result: she thinks that you think she needs to lose weight, and she destroys you

mistake: you buy her clothes that are a size too big
result: she thinks that you think she needs to lose weight, and she destroys you, but a bit more impressively than before.

mistake: you buy her the wrong color of clothes, or something that doesnt any outfit
result: she will tell you that you never pay attention, and she destroys you

mistake: you buy her some outfit that YOU think is awesome, like some amazing duck hunting gear that also happens to be YOUR perfect size (that you even offer to test it out at the duck blind for her!)
result: she first doesnt talk to you for the rest of christmas day, then destroys you, then at next christmas ends up getting you some diamond bracelet that also happens to perfectly fit her (that she even offers to test-wear for you!!!)... and then destroys you again... for fun.

Obviously you can tell what the problem is by now... everyone ELSE has a problem, and all my gifts are like Mary Poppins (practically perfect in every way).  Ugg... i cant believe i just used a Mary Poppins reference.  You know what? i'm gonna continue on in denial mode (similar to my "everyone else is wrong" theory), and convince myself that the MP joke was the best thing since sliced bread. 

Wish me luck: i'm going shopping now... let's pray i make it out with all my digits...