Item not as described

A while ago, I saw someone making fun of the terrible things on the “free” section in Craigslist. It was brilliant! He put into words my very feelings every time I went to a garage sale, or a flea market, or a junkyard. 1) someone actually OWNED this? 2) YOU want ME to TAKE this? 3) have you thought about lighting this junk on fire?

It was a sad day when I realized that the person wasn’t actually doing it anymore… I decided that I NEEDED to carry on the torch… at least for one more blog… plus: I’ve always wanted to do something “mystery science theater” –esque. So, I’ve captured the real craigslist title…. The real craigslist description, (and the real pictures that some idiot posted, thinking that it would help him get rid of the junk he put up on CL) and then I leave my own “synopsis” of the entire thing. ENJOY

title: Free Chain Link Fence

Description:
"Chain link fence, 5' tall. Two sections 15' and 9'. Five posts, There are some vines in one of the sections that will need to be cut out. The posts were sunk in concrete. That will need to be knocked off. The fence is in good shape with little to no rust."

Synopsis:
To me this reads: "i'm trying to break into my neighbors house, but i am pretty lazy, and really dont want to have to jump over this little thing, PLUS, i am allergic to some of the shrubbery... it is quite annoying." Next, he'll probably try to give away the deadbolt on their front door. but the part i like best is how he describes how easy it'll be to deal with the concrete (probably weighing 150+ lbs... cemented into the ground). oh, just knock it off... it'll probably disintegrate when you sneeze on it. just get some tweezers to remove the huge lump of concrete which is anchoring a fence into the earth. and last but not least... the rust... doing all this work for your friendly neighborhood burglar PROBABLY wont give you tetanus. WHEN CAN I START?

Title:
Heywood Wakefield Woman's Vitage Vanity (Sunnyvale)

Description:
This Heywood Wakefield Vanity is a vintage piece. It needs to have the top refinished. The previous owner didn't like to use drink coasters. We never got around to finishing this piece and now do not have the room to house it. Refinished, it could sell for a few hundred dollars as a collector’s piece. Authentic Heywood Wakefield markings found throughout entire piece to claim authenticity.
Vanity mirror, glass top, and all drawers are intact.

Pick up at curb side now; 1220 Tasman Dr #282; Adobe Wells Mobile Home Community. If you cannot find us in the mobile home park there is a map at the flag pole by the main club house.

Synopsis:
lets start off with some of the perks about the description... i like how this person is REALLY trying to be a salesman on this, trying to make you believe how much money you can make on this... it's a collectors piece, after all... that adds social status too... that's gotta be worth SOMETHING (for most people)... it doesnt even have too many beer bottle stains, or cigarette burns on it!!! YAY! ... now get this thing out of my house

Can you just imagine what he is trying to cover up with the "Authentic Heywood Wakefield markings found throughout entire piece to claim authenticity" statement? what the HECK does that mean?
just picture him explaining it:
"do you see this little scratch? this is where he missed my abdomen with the knife, as i was trying to steal it from his house!"
"do you see this drawer glued shut? that was his last "artistic" touch before people came and took him to the loony bin"
"do you see that bright light ebbing from the mirror? that is actually a portal to a chintzy "narnia-esque" world... a place where people actually WANT the crap from craigslist"

Title: Funky Cool Filing Cabinet

(I actually couldn’t believe that this was the actual title… it’s like the “make fun of people” gods have sent down an amazing gift on CL)

Description: Works. Very distressed and cool. 42" high, 14" wide and 29" deep.

Synopsis:
Yes, it's true. someone actually chose to call this filing cabinet "funky cool". i am pretty sure the last thing that was actually funky cool was disco... and i hate to be the one to bring this fact out again... but disco is dead (and so is this filing cabinet).
well: if Ol' Greg had a file cabinet i guess this is what it would look like.
if the Crypt Keeper had a file cabinet.... this is probably what it would look like. The Egyptians also thought it was pretty funky cool, but… they too are dead.
I dub this filing cabinet: filing cabinet from hell. But unfortunately, I dont think that "distressed" is accurate enough. Maybe something more along the lines of: "tormented" or "disturbed". It really belongs in a demon possessed house, or in the movie "poltergeist".

Unless you are going for that "make you fear for you soul" look in your office…
"in the top drawer, we keep all the cursed artifacts. in the middle cabinet, we keep the doorway to hell, and in the bottom drawer... well, we dont like to talk about the bottom drawer, we lost Billy to that one last year.

Title: "Ugly Sofabed! (sunnyvale)"

... ya, maybe not starting off on the BEST foot

CL post description:
"Free tan/orange/brown sofabed/couch. Used, but in fine condition-- no tears or holes, just some fraying near the bottom (previous owner may have had a cat). One arm is missing the wood that goes on top, but it is completely usable. Mattress is bent oddly, but fine. HEAVY! Currently in a storage unit on the 3rd floor (elevator and wheeled carts available). You must be able to move it from the unit to your vehicle-- you'll need at least 2 people.
Sorry, no pictures without the black blanket (not included in sale, we just had it there because we thought it was ugly). Couch is the same color on cushions and back as the color visible near the bottom of the pictures"

Synopsis:

I dont know about you, but was actually laughing while reading this post... and I hadnt even thought of anything to write. It just seemed to get better and better (or: worse and worse, if you think about the poor soul that is actually going to end up with this abomination). "missing the wood that goes on top"? we are just going to assume that they arent talking about the wooden frame that makes up the sofa, because "no tears or holes". I just kinda have this inkling that whoever owns this couch has been using couches COMPLETELY wrong their entire lives. "hold on one sec, before you sit down, let me fluff up the pillows... get the footrest ready... put the wooden boards on top of the couch... wait WAIT! where the heck are the wooden boards!?!?!?! OMG... i'm so embarrassed! you dont mind that i cant find the BOARDS, do you!?!?!?!" (yes, this type of person would say the letters oh em gee instead of the words). just dont stay the night at this person's house... because the bed of broken glass probably isnt all its cracked up to be.

"Mattress is bent oddly". calling a sofabed a torture rack is being kind to sofabeds. now picture a potato chip shaped matress on said torture rack... the only other info you need is that the safeword is "pineapple". I mean: if i really dont like someone, i offer for them to sleep on my sofabed. I'm talking like: they kinda ran over my dog... and by "kinda" i mean "repeatedly" and by "dog" i mean "brother" those people can sleep on my sofa bed for a couple nights so they can really understand the comforts of places like prisons. adding a diabolical mattress to the equation just launched this picture into a whole dimension of evil that my imagination just isnt ready for.

"heavy" I have moved these things before... i'm pretty sure God looked down and said "you shall be at LEAST 200 times heavier than you look"... and it looked like it was made of lead. This SAINT who is giving it away is kind enough to put it on the third floor. i would recommend kicking it out of the window, but then you would have to pull it out of the crater it'd make in the parking lot. I KNOW that elevators have a weight limit, and if they cant lift a neutron star in them... this couch is definitely not going to make the cut. the only option left is the stairs, where you make the friend you like least be on the lower end as you try to carry it down. his body will act as a surprisingly good toboggan... Note: you may need to bring more than one friend because the couch is on the third story.

And this is the part that i realize how maniacal this "giver of free couch really is" ... "sorry... black blanket not included in sale". Well: those were sweet pictures, but the entire purpose of them was just defeated... i once again really dont have any specific idea of what i'm buying (i already knew what a couch looked like). You may like what you see... but none of that is included. not even that person who seems to be still looking for the piece of wood to put on top. speaking of which... that person seriously perplexes me... what the HECK is she (probably?) doing? not only is she a human blur, but ... wtf, mate? how was this picture TAKEN?!?!?! "honey... it's time to take those pictures to sell the couch... while you are running..." i'm going to take a crack at it...
pose 1) the textbook picture of the "evolution of man" very artsy... although the political advisers are going to frown on this, because this may end up losing a lot of "sofa takers" in the red south
pose 2) how you are going to feel in the morning after sleeping on that thing
pose 3) looking for the piece of wood that every owner will OBVIOUSLY be looking for

my advice: let no one sit on the evil couch so that it may starve to death with the lack of human blood. it was willing to eat the cat that clawed it, but that was a rare exception and probably wont happen again.