Man on Fire... no, really... it burns!!!

There was once a kid named …um…. Smilliam….  He stood up for everything good… like “cookie dough”, video games, and nerd jokes of all kinds.  He valiantly fought the forces of evil/Paul Walker, stood in defiance of healthy-gross cereal,  and rebelled against people that try to tell me that cookie dough is gonna make me sick! Fyi: I only got sick from cookie dough because my body isn’t used to high doses of edible awesome (which cookie dough has a high concentration of), and I’m working on increasing my tolerance…. Errr… I mean “HE” Smilliam is probably working on that… ANYWAYS…

Smilliam went on one of his mind-blowing adventures of awesomeness (aka… he stopped playing video games and went outside… even though he was oh-so-close to becoming a level 74 dork/loser.  This is a distinguished/honorary title in the nerd universe… yes we have our own universe).  He went to the cost.  Is your mind blown yet? I thought so. 

Yes, Smilliam was a bit concerned whether he was going to die in a burning amalgamation of destroyed car and pure destruction over highway 17.  For those who haven’t experienced this road… it’s a combination of a NASCAR race, destruction derby, Angry hippies, small cars with too many surfboards strapped on the roof, and about 4 counties worth of CHP’s on patrol. But little did Smilliam know that the greatest danger he faced was a mystical plant which he had often heard of called “THE OAK OF POISON” or something like that… within the next couple of days, Smilliam felt like this:

As Smilliam later found out, all the poison oak in the entire world came from Santa Cruz (specifically where he hiked), and has somehow become a collective/sentient evil which is able to play mind games with the poor saps who touch it (what Smilliam did), or use it for outdoor toilet paper (7^th level of hell).  Smilliam’s sanity began to quickly deteriorate as he asked himself questions like “should I itch my body? It’ll probably be worth it…” somehow the vile plant was able to convince him that it was indeed worth it to scratch his body, and it would have been foolish to listen to all those people who told him that scratching would probably be the worst thing for the known universe.  In the same way that a person who steps in front of a Mac Truck realizes “this probably wasn’t a good idea”, Smilliam’s very next thoughts after the .00005 seconds of itch-free bliss became things like “I think my arm has turned evil-dead and is now trying to kill me” or “I’m pretty sure that if I put my arm in the wood-chipper, the pain would go away”. 

Have you ever tried to have a conversation with your arm on fire? Smilliam has.  He hears things like this. “bla bla bla bla…. My arm is on fire, my arm is on fire, my arm is on fire…. Bla bla bla bla bla…this is probably the end of the world… bla bla bla” and that was an engaging philosophical star wars conversation.

This blog is based on true events.  Smilliam is currently becoming one of those weird meditation masters, as a last ditch and desperate attempt to harness the demonic power of “THE OAK OF POISON”… and as of this date, his arm is still on fire.  He also moonlights as an arch nemesis of Paul Walker, and is now a proud Level 75 nerd/loser.  Poison oak is still running rampant and causing unhappiness across the globe… so is Paul Walker. These are serious problems, and people need to be aware.