All the food tastes bland, and not even donuts will cheer me up. I’m not laughing at nerd jokes anymore. My windshield wipers just started squeaking again. Word on the street is that Paul walker is coming out with a new film. Other words on the street include:
1) Paul Walker hates Will, and is trying to destroy him (and the intangible concept of “dignity”) via movies
2) Scientists are linking Paul Walker to the reason people get annoying stuffy noses, and sore throats (he’s like the anti-Echinacea, if you will… and I AM will… think about THAT)
3) Paul Walker is actually a zombie, as demonstrated by his acting abilities in EVERY movie he has been in. (the zombie disease usually spreads to the girls who watch his movies and become so intoxicated that they don’t even notice the guys throwing up next to them).
4) Not even Chuck Noris’ trusty roundhouse kick can fix this Paul Walker problem/epidemic (though it would be entertaining)
5) Zombie Paul is NOT 2Cool
Ps: What does “2Cool” even mean? Maybe he had an overdose of cool, and is now mutated into something a bit too “cool” for his own good… and the good of the public. Please stop making these car movies… because “cool” is starting to seem an awful lot like “make me want to jump off a cliff”.
Sorry guys… I don’t make this stuff up… I just tell it like the word on the street gives it.
As if this wasn’t depressing enough… it’s yet another “fast and the furious” movie. I watched the preview, and would’ve started crying if my eyes hadn’t melted out from a preview’s worth of exposure to Zombie Paul. I'll never get those 2 minutes of life back.
Just about the only worse thing that could’ve happened is if he was in the next “fantastic 4” movie. Great… now I’m giving him ideas on how to torture me next. (Yes: his acting skills are THAT evil) I can see the title of that third installment of mind numbing movie abomination now: “Fantastic 4… %*@$”
Lock your doors, and hide in the cellar. You know we are approaching the end of days when movies like Zombie Paul’s new: “faster than the fast while being furious at furiously fast things” are coming out. Note: if they steal that title, I’m suing (not that I think they will, but I’m just going to take any opportunity that I can to stand up for what is right and try to put a stop to Paul and his empire of darkness).
I suppose I should also be mad ad Vin Diesel too… but, A) he HAS been in a good movie before and B) it’s usually not smart to pick on the buff guys first
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